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Jerry Brown's 800 number has raised more money than the usual method of selling your soul to the highest bidder in the PAC crowd, and those saucy 900 numbers have become a billion-dollar industry.
This may explain an ad I saw the other day: VOTERS!
Intimate conversation with the presidential campaign of
your choice. $12.95 per minute. 1-916-PROMISE.
The Post
has occasionally reimbursed me for preposterous expenses,
so I proceeded, all in the name of research, of course.
Hey, you handsome voter with the big election, I'm
hot and ready for you,
the sultry voice cooed.
I'm hot, too. In fact, I'm steaming about the federal
deficit.
Mmmm. I love it when you come on fast with something
big. But don't you worry, big guy. I've got a little
secret, just between us. I know how to make that big ol'
deficit go away.
This sounded good, but I still wasn't quite in the mood.
My taxes are too high,
I complained.
Hey, sugar, this is just for you. Right now, as we
talk, I'm peeling off an exemption for the
falling-out-of-the-middle-class self-employed. Hear the
silken rustling as it slides across my yearning eagerness,
the warm insistence of rising polls pulsing with
anticipation, the throbbing rhythm of our uniting desires
coming together like the rolling surf and the soft sands of
the warm beach.
That stimulated my interest. Surf? beach? You must be
concerned about the environment.
Oh, you big hunk, I share your concern, deep inside
where it counts.
You mean you're going to do something about
pollution?
I love it when you talk dirty to me. Tell me some
more.
I had second thoughts. But some industries complain
they're not competitive in world markets any more because
there's too much regulation.
Don't you worry, sugar. I just slid off my frilly
black-lace anti-competitive regulations. I'm all yours,
ready to go the distance. Come on, come on.
But you can't be too careful these days, so I
interrupted. You sound like you've been around -- maybe
around a little too much. You don't have AIDS (American
Incumbency Distress Syndrome), do you?
Hey, honey, just because I know my way around, don't
hold it against me, okay? Trust me. I'm clean. I'm not one
of those awful entrenched incumbents.
Sure,
I interjected. I bet if we needed a
condom, you'd make one out of a check on the House Bank.
You tell me you can get rid of the deficit and cut taxes at
the same time. You can protect the environment and still
reduce regulations. You say you really know how to operate,
but you're still an outsider -- how can anybody be an
experienced virgin?
The voice stiffened. Don't get weird on me or I'll
hang up, you pervert.
But all you do is pander to my desires and tell me
what I want to hear. I thought I was somebody special, but
I bet you do that for everybody that calls.
Of course. We've found the ultimate in targeted
campaigning, but otherwise it's like any other election.
And you just contributed $64.75. Have a nice day.
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