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Just after Tax Day, one of our public radio stations (KRCC, through a sporadic repeater from Colorado Springs via Westcliffe) launched its semi-annual fund-raising drive. They did fine, setting a record for meeting the goal.
Rather than levy taxes, the federal government might try this approach, too. The FCC could order that, starting on April 15, all air time will be devoted to the Federal Government Fund-Raising Drive until the goal is met:
Good morning, America. I'm your president, George
Bush. Our goal this year is $1,251,850,000,000, and
remember, whatever we can't raise here, we'll have to
borrow. Let's see those phone lines light up. A thousand
points of light. Meanwhile, we'll tell you where some of
the money goes. Here's Vice-President J. Danforth
Quayle.
Hi there, happy campers. It's important for me to
relax by getting out of town and playing golf five or six
times a year. And every one of those trips costs about
$25,000 from the public treasury. Anybody out there got
$150,000?
The phones remain silent. The president nudges the
vice-president. Dan, you might mention that you do
something besides play golf.
The more relaxed I am, the better the job I can do
chairing the Council on Anti-Competitive
Regulations.
The phones ring. Moments later, the vice-president
speaks. We want to thank the fine folks at Engulf &
Devour Corp. for their generous contribution. Only
$1,251,750,000,000 left to go now, and there's one generous
company that won't have to worry about any EPA
meddling.
The president resumes. We strive for diversity in our
federal programming, so it's only fair that we let a few
Democrats talk, too. Here's Sen. Harry Byrd.
Why thank you, Mr. President. Moving the Library of
Congress from crime-infested Washington to the mecca of
Shoat Junction in the great state of West Virginia will
create 5,000 desperately needed jobs. But we can't do this
important job without your help, and it's going to take
about $50 million. And let me point out that I've got some
good connections on the Finance Committee, so we can offer
a generous export subsidy as a membership premium.
Good job, Senator,
the President compliments.
Before you even finished talking, the good people of
Mordant Tobacco contributed all $50 million.
Bless their public-spirited little hearts. Now we'll
help them send some good American tobacco to the Third
World. If folks are gonna kill themselves anyway, they
might as well do it the American way, right?
Of course, senator. We need to thank Saudi Arabia for
$18 billion to help our defense, and the Public Lands
Grazing Association for $1 million for range improvement.
Now, Yitzhak Shamir will be here any minute to explain why
he needs $6 billion . . .
Would it work? Well, our educational system is such that many Americans might quickly part with their own money just so they could get back to watching MTV, Hard Copy and Geraldo.
But there's another possibility. Many citizens might turn off their sets and ignore the fund drive. They would read more, even to their children, and do things with their families and friends. We'd have a smarter and saner population, certainly a worthy goal in itself.
Either way, we'd come out ahead. Which presidential candidate will be bold enough to propose this innovative approach which will solve so many of America's problems?
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