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Our presidential elections often feature candidate
debates.
(Why quotation marks? A debate is a formal
argument about a clearly defined proposition, wherein one
side advocates the affirmative and the other the negative.
Our candidate debates
meet precisely none of these
criteria; a conversation among some rich white guys in
suits might qualify as a discussion
or a a
conspiracy to defraud the public,
but certainly not a
debate.
)
Anyway, the televised debates
might do better if
they changed the format to a game show, like this:
Host: Welcome to The Candidate Game. Tonight we're going
to find out which one's the biggest outsider, and is
therefore least to blame for the sorry condition of our
nation. Our first question is Whose fault is the
deficit?
Clinton: Sure I wanted projects like bridges and harbors for Arkansas, but if you folks in Washington didn't have the money, you shouldn't have funded them. It's not my doing.
Perot: That dog won't hunt. Well, I did lobby for a tax break once, but hell, that was just a little ol' drop in a mighty big bucket. Can't be my fault.
Bush: Granted, I was vice-president when the deficit tripled in only eight years, and all that time, I never spoke up. But you can't hold that against me. Everybody knows the vice-president is an outsider, so it wasn't my doing.
Host: Thank you. Now, let's hear your theories about the causes behind the riots in Los Angeles.
Clinton: We've never had anything like that in Arkansas, so I don't see how I could bear any blame for this tragedy.
Perot: Well, it appears to me that if you got a bunch of folks who don't think they're gettin' any justice or much in the way of worldly goods, they're going to go find some. You don't need any fancy sociologist to tell you that. It's about as simple as fallin' off a log. Sure am thankful I had nothin' to do with it.
Bush: The failed policies of the late 1960s and 1970s caused the riots. Sure, I was in Congress part of that time, and I also held positions in the executive branch. But those policies of giving things to poor people certainly weren't my policies. As you all know, I only believe in giving government money to rich people, so it couldn't be my responsibility.
Host: And finally, how could such riots be prevented in the future?
Clinton: By making the American dream accessible to all Americans. Unfortunately, I've not been in a position to do that in the past.
Perot: If them folks could just line up some fat government contracts, the way I did years ago, they'd be in the tall corn. But if they don't, it's not any of my never-mind.
Bush: What we need in this country is a sense of responsibility, of being accountable for one's actions. But I'm just one guy here, and so I don't see how you can blame me for not preventing the riots, okay?
Host: Let's look at the scores -- why, our judges say that you're all three outsiders. A long-term governor, a billionaire an incumbent president -- all outsiders. Only in America, folks, only in America.
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