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Every so often I suffer a compulsion to visit civilization. The most recent attack came Saturday, when we ventured to Colorado Springs to see the Rev. Billy C. Wirtz (from the Double-wide of Deliverance Chapel in Chromosome, N.C., and I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard or that long. Highly recommended if you share a twisted affection for low-life white American folkways.)
We had some time before the show, so we visited
bookstores. The shelves sagged under material about how you
can improve your self-esteem, job performance and sex life
if you can only get in touch with your inner
child.
Since I am among the 98.7 percent of American adults who grew up in a dysfunctional family (one without a trust fund), I couldn't afford to buy the books and improve myself. But that doesn't matter, because I'm like the vast majority of American adults -- already quite attuned to the child within.
Consider the traits of children:
1. They demand immediate gratification; they'd rather have a lollipop now than the whole Snickers factory next week.
And the corporate CEO would rather show a profit this quarter, even if it means cutting R&D so that his company won't have new products a decade hence. Your congressman will gladly support a Social Security benefit increase now to bolster his re-election chances, even though it means an impossible burden for future generations. You want a new car? Just do it, whether you can afford it or not.
2. Children expect their parents to rescue them. Overspend your allowance? Need new tires? Get in trouble at school? Mom and dad are there to help you out.
Make a lot of shaky insider loans? No longer any need for all those plutonium triggers you used to make? Did your costs skyrocket after your low-ball bid on an unfeasible weapons system? The responsible adult might be worried, but the enlightened New Age American is in touch with the inner child, and knows that Uncle Sam is there to help out.
3. Children are never responsible for anything. Who left the guinea pig out where the cat could eat it? Dunno. Who flushed a stuffed animal down the toilet? Not me. Who scribbled all over the encyclopedias with a Magic Marker? Somebody else.
Who allowed our cities to deteriorate? Somebody else. Who raised taxes after promising not to? Not me. Why do schools get worse even though they keep getting more money? Dunno.
As you can see, the pop psychologists have succeeded magnificently. Most of us resonate in perfect harmony with the child that abides deep with each of us. We want it now, we expect somebody will bail us out if we make stupid decisions, and no matter what goes wrong, we're not to blame. Who needs Peter Pan when we're already in Never-Never Land?
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