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Some malicious sorts have suggested that the Bush
Administration governs upon axioms laid down by Niccolo
Machiavelli in The Prince.
To wit, gain the throne
by proclaiming that you want to be the environmental
president,
and then send chainsaws and skidders into
spotted-owl territory, or announce that you want to be the
education president,
and then race your cigarette
boat as test scores continue their decline.
But in light of a White House statement last week, the inspirational author there is Voltaire, not Machiavelli.
You may remember Dr. Pangloss in Candide.
In a
typical scene, the intrepid travelers face death by slow
torture after shipwreck and smallpox. And which time
Pangloss will announce that everything happens for the
best in this, the best of all possible worlds.
However, Dr. Pangloss was a rookie at fallacious optimism. Marlin Fitzwater, the official White House spokesman, could find a silver lining in a sow's ear.
Last week the Labor Department announced that the unemployment rate is the highest since 1984. That might sound like bad news to you and me, but we're not official White House spokesmen. It's good news there.
How? The unemployment rate doesn't count all the people who are out of work. It counts only the people without work who are looking for work. If you've given up on the economy because it has given up on you, then you don't count.
And so, through Fitzwater's rose-colored glasses, a rise in unemployment is good news because people have more faith in the economy and thus more people now look for work.
Our history books would be so much more inspiring if only Fitzwater had been around on other occasions:
· June 26, 1876: The late Col. Custer's great
victory at the Little Bighorn yesterday means that the
Great Plains are virtually free of hostile elements. While
the loss of 253 soldiers is regrettable, the important
thing is that hundreds of Sioux and their allies were
eliminated in battle. Also, the survivors fled and they
won't be bothering anybody for a while.
· Feb. 29, 1968: Our body-count calculations
show that perhaps 14 million Vietcong died in the so-called
'Tet Offensive,' and since the enemy cannot sustain such
losses, the light at the end of the tunnel grows brighter
and brighter.
· April 16, 1912: In these cynical times, we
are encouraged to learn that 2,224 people had faith in the
safety and security of the Titanic, and that 711 of them
are completing their voyage today.
Such is the Panglossic logic of the Bush regime, the
best of all possible presidencies in this, the best of all
possible new world orders. But on second thought, perhaps
Voltaire isn't the right model. We'd probably learn more
from Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland.
· END OF COLUMN --
NOTE TO PENELOPE PURDY:
1. When I and another chain-smoking lout reached the
summit of Mt. Harvard (highest point in Chaffee County) in
1981, about two feet of the famous pipe remained at the
apex, nestled near the summit cairn and guarded by marmots.
Friends have seen it there since then. So are you sure that
the Wirth pole is long gone?
2. You neglected to mention one of the best things about
having reached that summit. You can thenceforth proclaim in
all truth that I've been to Harvard, and I went as high
as I could there.
3. The Pedantic Montane Nomenclature Commission would
like to remind you that there is no Collegiate
Range.
There are, however, several Collegiate
Peaks
in the Sawatch Range.
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