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A little-known chapter of American history came to light the other day in a used-book store. As I thumbed through a 200-year-old collection of Jonathan Edwards sermons and Michael Wigglesorth poems, several sheets of folded foolscap fell to the floor.
The clerk wasn't looking, so I stuffed the papers inside
my shirt and headed home. There I discovered the
Critique & Suggested Emendations of the Declaration
of Independence from the Colonial Committee of Politickal
Correctness, A.M. Pecksniff, Chairp'n.
Since we celebrated the 216th anniversary of the Declaration yesterday, this lost report may be of interest:
When in the Course of human Events
-- arrant
Speciesm with the tacit Assumption that only human Events
are of Significance. As global Citizens, we must also
exhibit Concern toward diverse Events among Whales, Frogs,
Opossums, Bugges, Stones and other sundry Creatures. Change
this to When in the course of natural Events.
and to assume . . . the separate and equal
Station
The Locution separate and equal
is an
Echo of the racist Doctrine of separate but equal.
Distinctive and peer-recognized Status
would serve
better here.
all Men are created
An unspeakably sexist
Utterance. Try Homo sapiens
or Persons.
Further, the statement that people are created,
holdeth an Assumption that everyone shareth the Belief in
Creation. Perhaps all Homo sapiens exist . . .
would be suitable for a multi-cultural Audience.
The History of the present King of Great-Britain is a
History of repeated Injuries and Usurpations . . .
Henceforth the Declaration descendeth into a Diatribe of
Particulars against his Majesty, and even accuseth the King
of endeavoring an absolute Tyranny.
Certainly the Authors know that George III suffereth from an hereditary nervous Disorder which causeth temporary Periods of Madness. To demean and to disrespect another Person for an hereditary Condition is an insensitive, callous and brutal Act of Dehumanization. No Person of Conscience should countenance such Malice directed toward the differently Enabled. Think of the irreparable Damage to the Self-Esteem of His Highness.
Further, hath there even been a Government which did not
impose Taxes upon us without our Consent
or erect
a Multitude of new Offices, and sent higher Swarms of
Officers to harass our People, and eat out their
Substance?
To demean his Highness for doing what all
Governments hath always done, and shall always do, is
nought but Discrimination at its most foul.
Overall, the Declaration manifesteth Influence from the Writings of John Locke, David Hume and Adam Smith -- every One a white European Male. Why are the Authors ignoring the Voices of the Marginalized?
Finally, the general Tenor of the Declaration inciteth
the Publick to violent Rebellion against duly constituted
Authority. Such a Call to Arms constituteth hateful
Speech,
and there is no known Doctrine of free
Expression which justifieth such Utterances.
Perhaps no more can be expected from such a motley Farrago: Planters of Tobacco, Growers of Hemp, Brewers of Ale, Importers of Rum and Drinkers of Tea. Their Declaration should be burned post-haste as an Affront to the Correctness of our pure Polity.
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