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Independence Day restored my faith in America. I was starting to despair that we, the political heirs of violent revolutionaries, have turned into a gaggle of poltroons, too timorous even to speak, let alone act, if there's a remote chance someone might be offended.
Then I attended a celebration which featured loud and dangerous fireworks which ranged from ladyfingers and bottle rockets to serious ordnance -- stuff not much smaller than mortar shells and TOW missiles. If we still have the good old American gumption to violate those sissy laws, then all is not lost.
That said, it is time for another stint as an advice columnist:
Q. Will Vice-President Quayle's attacks on illegitimacy have any effect on the fall campaign?
A. There is talk that Quayle will be dumped from the ticket because if he continues to attack bastardy, he will bring up an issue Republicans would prefer to ignore.
Observe the portrait on the $10 bill: Alexander Hamilton, first secretary of the treasury. Hamilton believed that our government should increase the power and wealth of the wealthy and powerful, and was thus laid the ideological foundation of the Republican party. Hamilton was also an illegitimate child.
Now note the portrait on the $100 bill: Benjamin Franklin, who fathered William Franklin. William's mother was one of Ben's concubines. Bed-hopping Ben advocated revolution like a good Patriot, but William was a steadfast Tory -- a conservative supporter of the existing order.
History thus demonstrates that bastards grow up to be conservatives. If the GOP wants to grow, the party can't afford have Quayle attacking its future membership base. So he'll be dumped if he doesn't shut up.
Q. Earlier this week, I read that a lot of companies
wink when you take a sick day
that's really a
mental-health day.
Do you think this is right?
A. I don't believe in sick days. During my days of
employment, I never called in sick. Work is a miserable
experience anyway, so why waste a day of health on it? If
you're going to feel wretched, you might as well do it on
company time. As for mental-health days,
perhaps an
enlightened corporation will allow you to call in
well
on those days when you feel great and don't want
to waste your enthusiasm and energy on the usual
drudgery.
Q. Do you agree with the police-organized boycott of Time-Warner for distributing the rap song which talks about shooting cops?
A. Isn't it amazing that all those cops who swore holy oaths to preserve and protect the Constitution are trying to squelch free speech? However, I do boycott publishing companies. As a writer, I boycott any company that boycotts me -- if they don't buy my manuscripts, then I don't buy their books.
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