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Just 20 years ago, Colorado had a chance to host the Olympics. For once, I voted with the majority to reject funding for the games.
We were afraid that Interstate 70 would be transformed from a scenic mountain corridor into a tawdry commercial strip of fast-food joints. We feared that sleepy mountain towns would lose their character and fill up with trendy boutiques and overpriced second homes while developing severe problems with air quality and water supply.
Boy am I glad we defeated the Olympics and elected Dick Lamm governor and avoided all those problems.
No, that won't work. Apparently it was inevitable, games or no. Perhaps now we should give serious thought to hosting the Olympics -- we could go for the Summer Games this time. And to help local competitors, we could add a few events.
· Arrogant cycling. There's no need to block off a road for bicycling events. Colorado cyclists are the best in the world at riding 10 abreast in huge herds while ignoring stop and yield signs, and they've even been known to run cars off the road and assault drivers.
By holding the race where there's other traffic, we give
our cyclists a competitive advantage and insure a gold
medal for our dream team
of experienced road
hogs.
· 14'er Death Marathon. When I began crawling up peaks in the late 70s, everyone carried enough gear to stagger a Sherpa: huge canteens, spare clothes, first-aid gear, etc. Now the trails teem with bronzed athletes in scanty track outfits, and they don't climb, they trot.
Often these ill-equipped fools are carried down; to
quote my climbing companion Allen Best, People who run
up mountains have no respect for them.
An Olympic race
for the best time on all 53 Colorado 14'ers would eliminate
the world's supply of overmuscled types who think they can
challenge hail and lightning with a sleeveless T-shirt. The
human genetic pool would be improved by this Darwinian
selection, and isn't that what the Olympics are for --
improving humanity?
· Domestic Marksmanship. Colorado's police are talented at shooting at people in their houses -- grandmothers, night watchmen, suburban homeowners who wonder why somebody's on the porch. But how do they stack up against world-class competitors, such as old hands from the KGB and the South African security force?
· Verbal Gymnastics. After each shooting of someone in his own house, the appropriate police internal review boards will compete to fabricate the best explanation.
If you think it's exciting to watch Shannon Miller or
Titiana Gutsu, wait till you hear these competitors claim
that the officer thought he saw a gun
or we found
drugs on the premises.
When necessary, they can
dismount with a firm plant, too, thereby impressing the
judges and scoring a perfect 10 -- one point for each
provision of the Bill of Rights that they violate.
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