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Maybe the Bush operatives are right, and this election is about character. After all, when you look at recent presidential contests, the Republicans generally convert the Democratic candidate into a Fictional Character.
This Fictional Character, as concocted by the GOP spin doctors, emerges as a depraved monster who would quickly deliver an unconditional surrender to the Kremlin, cheerfully force abortions upon married women who want more children, greedily raise taxes by 500 per cent in order to fund more waste and fraud and abuse, gladly house welfare recipients in the Broadmoor, generously provide champagne and caviar with food stamps, gleefully release hardened criminals of color to prey on pristine suburbanites, and methodically send squads down the street to inject law-abiding church-going citizens with dangerous narcotics and then drag them into pornographic art exhibits funded by the federal government.
Unfortunately, the Republican brain trust hasn't been able to so demonize Bill Clinton, who still comes across as a bright good-ol'-boy who says we could do better. The possible results of this GOP failure are ghastly to contemplate: federal judges who have read the Bill of Rights, an Environmental Protection Agency that actually protects the environment, a rising tide that lifts rafts and rowboats as well as yachts . . .
Unable to convert Clinton into their Fictional Character, the Republican strategists found another scheme: Instead of transforming the Democrat into a Fictional Character, just run against existing Fictional Characters.
This explains why Dan Quayle vehemently attacked Murphy Brown, who's no more real than the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy or the Economic Recovery. And why President Bush said we should be more like the Waltons and less like the Simpsons, families which exist only in fantasy.
(Note that the Waltons were dirt poor without plumbing or electricity, while the Simpsons are at least lower middle-class. Bush wants us to be like the Waltons, and if he remains in charge of the national economy, we'll all get there pretty soon.)
But attacks on Murphy Brown and the Simpsons will grow stale quickly, and the Republicans will have to turn their artillery against other Fictional Characters:
· Lucy Riccardo. What was she doing, trying to get out of the house so she could pursue a career performing at Ricky's club? Doesn't she know that a woman's place is in the kitchen?
· Nancy Drew. Neglected child whose father is
seldom home, so she is free to roam around and get in
trouble. Even worse, she has a tomboy cousin who goes by
George
and has sapphic traits. Yet Nancy remains a
steadfast friend.
· Andy Taylor. Where's he get off, being a single parent? And an officer of the law, to boot? Doesn't it increase disrespect for all law enforcement when such despicable sorts are allowed to wear a badge?
· The Cartwrights. Sure, they owned property and the family did stick together through adversity. But don't you think there's something kinky about three sons, their father, and an exotic male cook all sharing a house? Did you ever see any women around the Ponderosa?
So when you see George Bush or Dan Quayle bashing feminist Lucy Riccardo, tolerant Nancy Drew, single-parent Andy Taylor and the deviant Cartwright clan, remember that you read it here first.
NOTE: Martha and I think that George
is Nancy
Drew's cousin. But she could have been just a friend; we're
not sure, and we can't find any Nancy Drew novels around
the house, and the library doesn't open until 1:30 p.m.
Doubtless someone in your office remembers the precise
relationship between Nancy and George.
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