< PREVIOUS ] [ 1992 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >
According to American political tradition, candidates are free to call each other whores, liars, thieves and traitors clear through election day.
Then the results come in. The losers, who just assured
us that Armageddon, Dogpatch or Gomorrah was inevitable if
the other guy won, are supposed to utter gracious
concession speeches: The people have spoken. I regret
disappointing my wonderful volunteers who worked so hard,
but we must accept that judgment. I wish my opponent
well.
That's good sportsmanship, but I know I would have enjoyed last night more if we had seen concession statements like these:
Terry Considine: You're going to let Ben Campbell
keep selling jewelry on your time? But maybe there's a
silver lining. If he continues with his abysmal attendance
record, he won't be there enough to do much damage,
anyway.
Ben Campbell: Well, I was working before I got into
politics. Maybe I'll get into real estate now. This
campaign taught me how Terry and the pirates operate -- tax
breaks, subsidies, non-recourse loans -- so there should be
even more opportunity now that he's got a vote in the U.S.
Senate.
George Bush: Americans, you had a chance with a
high-minded world leader who brought dignity to the office.
Instead, you got Ozone and an Oxford-debater hick-state
Bozo who'll turn the White House into a waffle
stand.
Bill Clinton: H.L. Mencken must have had George Bush
in mind when he said 'No man ever went broke
underestimating the taste of the American public.' How on
earth could people go for four more years of his swill? Our
schools must be worse than anybody ever imagined.
Ross Perot: Reminds of this story I heard once about
this buck mouse, a little feller with big ears, and a
she-elephant. Li'l ol' mouse had a lot of ambition
nonetheless, and when the dust had settled, he did put a
considerable fright into that elephant. That's the way it
goes sometimes, folks. Not everybody's as smart as we are.
It's just that simple. Stick around. I'll be back. Or maybe
I won't. Gotta keep 'em guessin', right?
Roy Romer: Shame on you, Colorado, for voting against
Amendment 6. You're so selfish. Don't you care about your
kids -- what's going to happen to the slower children who
won't be able to grow up and get jobs as deputy assistant
superintendents for lunchroom policy development? They'll
end up on welfare, and it's all your fault.
Chris Paulson: We just got shafted. Just what kind of
hold does the Colorado Education Association have on Roy
Romer, anyway? Did anybody ever look into
blackmail?
Why doesn't anybody give an honest concession speech? I
don't know. It doesn't hurt a political career. The only
time Richard Nixon ever talked honestly was during his
last press conference
after he lost the California
gubernatorial election in 1962. He lashed out at everyone
-- and he went on to win the White House twice.
< PREVIOUS ] [ 1992 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >