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Ski visits are up from last year. The National Western Stock Show just set an attendance record. Hollywood liberal types have been spotted at various of our resorts.
This made me wonder whether the boycott is only a Barbra Streisand publicity stunt, so I called P.C. Snubb, exalted grand archon of the Institute for the Enablement and Empowerment of the Politically Pure.
I shouldn't talk to anyone from the Hate State,
she sniffed.
But I opposed Amendment Two and voted against it.
Everybody says that,
she snapped. Besides,
that was last month. Now we're calling on all people of
good will to boycott Colorado until you change the state's
name.
This was a new to me, so I pressed for details.
Colorado means 'red' in Spanish. Crimson is the color
of Mars; it is the symbolize of warfare, and we are opposed
to the deliberate glorification of violence. 'Verde' would
honor good Green Mother Earth. You could apologize to your
gay citizens by naming your state 'Lavanda.'
Further, 'Colorado' is the masculine form of a
Spanish adjective, so Colorado is thus an integral
component of the oppressive patriarchy that we must
destroy.
Other states must suffer from improper nomenclature.
Certainly. Louisiana was named for King Louis of
France. Washington is named for George, not Martha.
Pennsylvania, William Penn, another dead white guy, it's
out. Carolina is a woman's name today, but it comes from
the Latin form of 'Charles,' so both North and South
Carolina are on the list.
Virginia and Maryland must be safe, and New Mexico will pick up a lot of Colorado business.
Not really,
she cautioned. By saying 'New
Mexico,' you're implying that the real Mexico is 'Old
Mexico,' which panders to an ageist prejudice against the
old.
Then Utah, well known as a bastion of diversity and tolerance, will get the business.
Never,
she snapped. Utah's name comes from the
Ute Native Americans. It's another sordid example of
cultural imperialism, just like the Cleveland Indians and
Washington Redskins. Wyoming, Kansas, Texas, the Dakotas --
all must change, or suffer the consequences.
Where did they ever get the idea that they could use threats to force states to change their ways?
From the federal government,
she explained.
Remember the national 55-mph speed limit 20 years ago?
The feds said they would withhold highway money from any
state that didn't lower its speed limit. Or getting rid of
3.2 beer for 18-year-olds? The feds threatened to withhold
highway funds unless states raised their drinking age.
Local school districts adopt blood-test policies because
the feds threaten to withhold money.
Such threats obviously work, I agreed.
Why should Congress have all the fun?
she asked
before concluding with Power to the people.
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