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Almost daily, we read or hear about Islamic
fundamentalists,
nationalist zealots,
or
sectarian partisans
causing trouble somewhere in the
world: Egypt, Bosnia, Azerbaijan, Ireland, Manhattan.
Doubtless their activities are important, but after a few minutes of failing to develop the proper degree of interest in current events, I think about subscribing to some foreign papers or buying a short-wave radio.
They probably cover the United States in much the same way that we cover them, and then we might hear a broadcast like this:
Good evening, and welcome to the Great Satan Report,
a nightly round-up of what the imperialist running dog
lackeys are doing at home.
In turbulent Miami, right-to-life terrorists claimed
responsibility for the assassination of Dr. David Gunn, and
said their attacks on medical clinics and their personnel
would continue until the terrorists' demands are met. Their
main demand is the immediate appointment of at least five
Supreme Court justices who are acceptable to their ruling
council.
Our latest report from the besieged Davidian
monastery near Waco, Texas, indicates that they may soon be
forced to surrender to the powerful Feebians, a
government-backed cult intent on cleansing America of all
citizens stupid enough to believe that they have religious
freedom and the right to bear arms.
Feebian militiamen have spent the last month
maneuvering into position to begin heavy artillery
bombardment from tanks and mortars, but declined to say
when the shelling would start. They apparently plan to
continue their current campaign of psychological
warfare.
A Davidian spokesman asked for an immediate
investigation by the War Crimes Commission in Geneva.
Sieges and shelling are one thing, he said, but beaming
Nancy Sinatra songs at extreme sound levels is an atrocity
that should be denounced by all civilized nations.
Meanwhile, in Washington, the Senate Republican Sect
continued to hold President Clinton's economic-stimulus
package hostage, on the grounds that it contains pork. This
is the first report of any GOP religious scruple against
pork, but perhaps they have seen the light and will follow
the true path in the future.
Deep in the mysterious interior of the continent, the
boycott of Colorado entered its fourth month as a
compromise plan was put on the table in Colorado
Springs.
In the remote and sparsely unpopulated mountains
southwest of that city, authorities said citizens were in
no danger from a toxic cyanide spill that has so far killed
all fish in 17 miles of river. It is no worse, they said,
than the missing plutonium at a nuclear-weapons plant near
Denver, or the nerve-gas by-products also found near
Denver.
Los Angeles authorities say they are prepared for
civil war next week if four policemen are acquitted on
charge of violating a motorist's civil rights. Americans
sure have changed -- 20 years ago, all the demonstrations
and disturbances were in favor of acquittals, and now they
want convictions.
A tense situation in the Pacific Northwest was
defused last week by President Clinton, who ordered his
cabinet to find ways to protect both lumberjacks and the
spotted owl. Most observers see this as only a stopgap, and
expect the situation to explode later this year.
And that's the way it is in the land of the free and
the home of the brave. Thank you, and good night.
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