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Much of my mail says something like Please tend to
this matter immediately before your credit rating is
destroyed,
Advise us as to when you will be home for
the process server,
or, Only with your help, Mr.
Quillen, can we rid the world of this scourge and preserve
a unique ecological zone for future generations.
However, I do get occasional requests for advice, which I will tend to now:
Dear Ed:
I was walking down the street the other day when an AIDS activist accosted me and asked why I wasn't wearing a red ribbon to show my support for AIDS research and my sympathy for AIDS victims. I hadn't given it much thought, but I do care, so I bought a ribbon and wore it.
Then I turned the corner and the Crips, or maybe it was the Bloods, started shooting at me because I was wearing red.
If I don't wear a red ribbon, then I'm insensitive. If I do, then I'm dead meat. Can you help?
Dear Troubled:
Sure. Stay indoors. Or move to Peckerwood Hollow, W.
Va., where 98 percent of the population is color-blind and
won't be able to tell what kind of ribbon you're wearing.
By the way, they are the people who first asked What
color is your parachute?
, but they have yet to collect
any royalties.
Dear Ed:
I opened a can of diet Pepsi the other day, and heard a clank. When I poured it out, I found a syringe. Why was it there?
Dear Perplexed:
It's connected to the movie Jurassic Park,
and it
works like this:
Because the movie is frightening, many parents would not let their 9-year-olds see it, even though every known haunt of 9-year-olds, from McDonald's to shopping malls, is stuffed with Jurassic Park souvenirs and promotions.
A very bright 9-year-old was perturbed by this innovative marketing scam, and decided that if he couldn't see the movie, he'd arrange for the next best thing -- reality.
He filled dozens of syringes with recombinant fossil Mesozoic deoxyribonucleic acid, and to insure wide distribution, he tampered with a can line while on a school field trip last month.
The word is out in the 9-year-old underground: Poke a pregnant lizard with one of those pop-can syringes, and when the eggs hatch, you'll have a clutch of velociraptors.
Things are going to get real interesting once the critters grow up in a year or two. Then Robert Dole won't be the only dinosaur at large in the U.S.
Dear Ed:
Why are right-thinkers so upset about Hillary Rodham
Clinton? They're always saying things like Impeach the
President, and her husband, too.
I don't think that's
fair.
Dear Concerned:
You're right, it isn't fair. But keep in mind that these complainers hold deep and principled convictions about an un-elected spouse exercising power over an elected president.
Do note, however, that these heart-felt convictions are quite recent; the same people who attack the current First Lady never complained about Nancy Davis Reagan, who fed lines to her husband and controlled his schedule, based on advice from her astrologer.
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