< PREVIOUS ] [ 1993 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >
Although the official announcement won't come until this week, details of the Clinton health-reform plan emerged last week, and a Republican counter-proposal also oozed into circulation. And I suspect we will see more plans once Colorado's political leaders join the action:
· The Romer Regime: He took an oath that the
laws be faithfully executed.
Even so, there's a leaky
toxic landfill in Weld County, cyanide from Summitville and
coal dust at Redstone.
These may appear to be dereliction of duty, but they're actually part of a plan to minimize Colorado health-care costs, since rural care is expensive to provide.
Poison the hinterland, so that people move to the city to get treated for mysterious ailments, and even those who aren't sick get scared and move. Once you depopulate the countryside, no more need for the state to waste money on hospitals, ambulances, clinics, immunizations, public-health nurses and other nuisances in the boondocks.
· The Campbell Cure: All Americans over 16 will be issued Harley hogs, and will be forbidden to wear helmets while aboard. Then the speed limit will be raised to 90 mph.
If you're just the slightest bit sick, you'll feel
woozy,
explained an anonymous source familiar with the
plan. And if your timing is off even just a little,
you'll dump your bike at 85 and your skull will look like
last year's jack o'lantern. Scrape up your body, and that's
the end of it -- no treatment or rehabilitation costs.
It'll save billions because there will be no sick people;
you'll either be fully healthy or dead meat.
· The Brown Blueprint: Few details were available, but this apparently calls on Americans to eat more red meat.
· The Schroeder System: She may be the only public official to address a major factor in the American health problem.
The leading causes of death among young men aged 15-34 are violence and accidents. They are so widespread that some public-health experts are calling this an epidemic.
Recent studies indicate that the cause is a hormonal
imbalance in males,
a Schroeder spokesperson explained,
specifically, an elevated level of testosterone. If we
could reduce the male level to that of the biologically
superior gender, 26,092 lives would be saved every
year.
Details of implementation of a nation-wide testosterone
reduction program have yet to be worked out, the
spokesperson said, but I can assure you that rumors that
we are considering mandatory surgery to remove the
testosterone-producing glands are totally without
foundation.
The Lamm Plan: The former governor, famous for his
statement about having a duty to die,
is now a
public policy analyst.
However, he could not be reached for details on his health plan, as his office said the proposal would not be complete until he returned next week from a meeting in Michigan with Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
< PREVIOUS ] [ 1993 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >