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Recent statistics show that Colorado's population is growing, not from natural processes like unsafe sex, but from immigration, mostly from Texas and southern California.
Say what you will about those places, they have
distinctive local cultures. You can envision a backslapping
Texan hoisting a Lone Star and saying Heidi Yawl,
or
an anorexic tanned Angelena attaching a designer bra to her
chartreuse Mercedes convertible.
But try to think of a Coloradan, and you might as well seek a distinctive McDonald's or a unique Wal-Mart.
This may mean that Pat Buchanan, William Bennett and other saviors of the republic are right that we face a culture war. They're just wrong about the contestants.
Our war will not feature tax-supported decadent artists vs. decent hard-working Americans. Instead, California and Texas will fight, and we'll soon read something like this:
The Lone Star flag flew over Aspen yesterday after a battalion of Texas Rangers seized the Pitkin County Courthouse and tore down the Bear Flag Republic emblem which had flown since 1994.
This is Texas territory as a result of the
Transcontinental Treaty of 1815 and the 1836 War of
Independence,
Ranger Capt. Jimmy Jack Guddolboy said,
and it's as sacred as the Alamo.
The Californians retreated to their Boulder enclave to meditate upon non-confrontational strategic tactics and tactical strategies for regaining spiritual control.
The poor testosterone-crazed Texans, obviously
lacking in self-esteem, felt compelled to demonstrate their
machismo,
said Starchild Nuaij, a consensus-proclaimer.
And I wish you wouldn't use the word 'control,'
she
said. It sounds so manipulative. We just want the
Roaring Fork Valley to resonate with the harmony of the
mountains.
Meanwhile in Denver, an ordinance to ban red-meat sales
at the new airport met with a strong protest as all runways
and roads were blocked by a dusty longhorn stampede that
looked like a scene from Lonesome Dove.
We'll shut this state down if they keep trying to
force tofu and decaf down our throats,
said a spokesman
for the San Jacinto Liberation Front. If God had meant
for humans to eat that swill, He wouldn't have created
beans, ketchup, real coffee and over-cooked beef. But the
breaking point was when they started playing airhead space
music in the background, instead of footstomp
honky-tonk.
Lala Lolo, airport cultural operations consultant,
defended her policies. We have firm scientific evidence
that cholesterol is as toxic as salt, inappropriate
laughter and third-hand smoke,
she said. Further,
the Texans' abysmal preference in so-called music speaks
for itself.
A small band of Coloradans, vowing to preserve their
traditional ways, fled to Leadville last month, but could
not be reached there. Even Leadville has gotten too cute
for comfort,
one explained from the new refuge of San
Luis, and even here, we're under assault from California
Crestone and Texas Lake City. Is there anywhere that's
safe?
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