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Every time the Winter Olympics dominate sports coverage, we must endure a regional chorus which complains that we were really stupid in 1972 when we voted not to use tax money to subsidize the 1976 Winter Olympics, and that Colorado ought to host some future winter games -- presumably, it's our duty to help promising young athletes get multi-million dollar endorsement contracts, and we've shirked that obligation.
I remember arguing with my father just before the 1972
election. Dad, if you vote for the Denver Olympics, the
mountains west of Denver will get totally commercialized --
tawdry, garish strips of fast-food joints and motels along
I-70 all the way from Golden to Vail. Summit County will
turn into a franchise mecca that looks just like every
other freeway exit in America. The mountains will develop
all sorts of urban problems like traffic jams and air
pollution
Despite my anguished pleas, he voted for the Olympics, and that's exactly what happened.
Except we didn't have the Olympics. However, modern politics consists of placating those vocal pressure groups which can conjure up some way to demonstrate that they are marginalized and oppressed. Thus it is inevitable that someday we will have to please the Survivors of Colorado Winter Game Deprivation, and maybe our own set of Colorado Winter Games will do the job:
· Floyd Hill Grand Slalom. A fast, exciting course through a dozen jack-knifed semi-trucks while being pursued by an overloaded runaway. Other obstacles include frightened flatlanders turning doughnuts and people trying to flag a tow while standing outside stuck cars.
Contestants are judged on both elapsed time and style -- how close can they come to an obstacle without actually touching it.
· Beater Jump-starts. When it's 20 below or colder, the contestants -- dressed only in T-shirts and jeans because they like to show how tough they are -- sort through a pile of fishing tackle, oil cans and jack handles behind the seat of a pickup. As soon as they find the jumper cables in the mess, they've got to untangle them, always a challenge when the cables are about as flexible as bridge timbers. Then it's a race to get the cables connected -- they'll be gigged if they follow the safety rules, and a battery explosion is no disqualification -- and the winner will be the first one to get his '58 Dodge D100 started and slid into a deep snow-filled ditch at least 100 yards from the starting line.
In future years, we could add ether-sniffing and Stupid Tow Tricks (i.e., a dog chain and a pot-metal come-along for a three-ton pickup sitting at a 45-degree angle) to this exciting competition.
· Snowboard Biathlon. In a normal biathlon, cross-country skiers carry rifles and shoot at targets as they ski the course.
The first Colorado variant was pioneered by Claudine Longet, who used a pistol and remained stationary while the target was a skier.
Now we can move into the 21st century by inviting snow-boarders to participate. Since this is just a game, we'll give them paint guns, and score them not only on shredding style, but on how many overbearing ski patrollers they can shoot while zooming down the slopes.
· Men's and Women's Tire Chain War. Put a couple in a two-wheel drive car. The road is slick and it's snowing. She says it's time to stop and put on the tire chains. He says there's no need, even though the car is fishtailing.
The winning woman will be the first to get her partner to chain up. The winning man will get to the finish line without ever leaving his seat, with the prospect of extra points for changing a cassette tape, drinking coffee and lighting a cigarette all at once while the car is swerving out of control.
· Going for the Gold. This seemed like a natural for Summitville, but the mining company dropped out. So now it's up to the Colorado Republican Party -- will Bruce Benson come up with the most gold and get the nomination for governor? Or will someone outbid him? This could be a marathon, so keep watching.
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