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For the first 18 years of my life, I spent most Sunday mornings inside a Baptist Sunday school classroom. To the disappointment of my parents, most lessons failed to stick, but I did learn my way around the Bible pretty well.
So when I read the accounts of the recent Christian Coalition connvention, I was rather surprised. Given the state of American society, I expected some impassioned jeremiads concerning avarice, materialism, bigotry and hypocrisy.
Instead, most of their pronouncements and activities appeared to bear little, if any, resemblance to the Bible whose verses I once memorized.
For instance, I didn't recall any passage in the Epistle of Paul to the Romans where the apostle urged them to petition the tribunes and senate to require prayer in public academies.
Nor did I remember any announcement that the men of Rome should gather in the Coliseum to hear a trainer of gladiators encourage them to become keepers of promises. And if there was a gathering of the faithful in Ephesus or Corinth, and aspiring candidates for procurator or satrap spoke to those gatherings about shared goals, I missed that, too.
This was confusing, so I called a friend in Colorado Springs who has some connections with Focus on the Bottom Line, Californians for Phantom Values, Muscular Morality and similar right-minded organizations dedicated to the purification of our great Republic.
Your problem, Quillen, is that you're still looking
at the old King James translation,
my friend said.
It has beautiful prose,
I said. What's wrong
with that?
Well, biblical scholarship has made tremendous
strides in the past 380 years,
he said, especially
in the last decade. The King James may offer majestic
cadences, but that majesty often comes at the expense of
accuracy in the light of received modern theology.
He offered to send me the latest translation, approved by William Bennett for citation in the Book of Second Virtues and certified by Pat Robertson for use in private-school classrooms.
Much of it looked about the same as the familiar King James, although in Leviticus, the prohibitions against eating shellfish and wearing raiment made from more than one kind of cloth had vanished.
But when I got to the New Testament, I found a new book, the Gospel according to Danforth. Although its diction is as dated as that of the King James Bible, the new translation does provide a sound biblical basis for the inspired teachings of the Christian Coalition.
Since this version is apparently not in wide circulation at the moment, I thought I'd share some of its teachings:
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a
needle than for a liberal to enter into the kingdom of
heaven.
When thou runnest for school board, hide thy light
under a bushel and let it shine only after thou hast taken
the oath of office.
Judge often and harshly, lest ye be judged.
Then Jesus came upon a woman who had been caught up
in adultery, and a crowd of virtuous men gathered about,
ready to stone her, for such was ordained by the law and
the prophets. `Let him who is most concerned about the
rising rate of out-of-wedlock births to teen-aged mothers
cast the first stone,' he said.
One day on the road to Cana, a scabrous, emaciated
leper was lying in a pit beside the way. He approached
toward Jesus, who said to him, `Come not unto me, for thine
own decadent and abominable life-style hath caused thine
affliction, which is a punishment from Heaven.'
Though I speak with the tongue of men and of angels,
and hath not a good direct-mail list, I am as a sounding
brass or a tinkling cymbal.
When thou prayest, do not go into a closet and shut
the door, but instead thou shouldst utter thy prayers in a
loud voice and before an assembled crowd, as the Pharisees
do.
Then the multitude began to grow restless, for they
were without meat or drink in the heat of the day, and
there were but five loaves and two fishes. `Get me some air
time on our cable network,' Jesus commanded his disciples,
`and soon the contributions will be pouring in.'
Take ye therefore great thought of the morrow and
accumulate your treasures upon earth.
Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, so that he
may deploy more centurions, for a strong national defense
is beloved and ordained by our father in Heaven.
After the lame man had touched the hem of his garment
and was healed, Jesus said unto him, `Thou owest me twenty
shekels, payable immediately in full or in easy monthly
installments secured by thine first-born, for if I did not
charge thee, it could lead to socialized medicine and the
end of the finest health-care system in the world.'
It would have been interesting to continue reading, especially the new version of Revelation with prophecies about God's gruesome wrath against the evil frauds who gain prominence in the end times, but the day was drawing on, and my friend wanted his Bible back.
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