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Here on the dry side of the 100th Meridian, many thoughtful observers have attempted to make today's election into a referendum on Old West vs. New West.
These terms don't seem quite accurate. None of the alleged Old West candidates hereabouts has proposed giving the territory back to the Utes, so their Old West isn't really all that old. Nor has any purported New West candidate campaigned to replace every hay meadow with a pesticide-free soybean field.
This imprecision means that it can be difficult to tell
one from the other. Both can appear in pointy-toed boots,
snap-button shirts and wide-brimmed hats. Both might sport
sunburns or tattoos. Either might drive a beat-up old
pickup or a new Subaru. Both can wax eloquent about
preserving family ranches
(Oldwest for real-estate
speculation, Newwest because cows might be better neighbors
than Californians).
But don't despair. The Backwater Institute for Western Cultural Studies has devised some fool-proof ways to distinguish between the two Wests that hover about us.
Oldwest: Chews tobacco.
Newwest: Eschews tobacco.
Oldwest friendly greeting: Holsters his side-arm.
Newwest friendly greeting: A big hug.
Oldwest beverages: Straight rye, Coors, Edwards coffee out of the can served black.
Newwest beverages: Sparkling water, local micro-brew, fresh-ground designer blend of flavorful low-caffeine chemical-free beans.
Oldwest infrastructure demand: four-lane highways to every hamlet.
Newwest infrastructure demand: fiber-optic cables to every household.
Oldwest land-use planning: Who's the highest bidder?
Newwest land-use planning: Hold a community visioning conference.
Oldwest crime-fighting: An automatic assault weapon in every hand, and more prison cells for the survivors.
Newwest crime-fighting: A repeating gun in every hand, and a social worker for every household.
Oldwest lunch: The cholesterol special -- a grease-dripping cheeseburger topped with a fried egg, washed down with a Coors swigged straight from the long-neck.
Newwest lunch: Broiled skinless chicken breast with a side of lettuce, accompanied by iced tea flavored with NutraSweet.
Oldwest radio: Clint Black on an AM station.
Newwest radio: Mary Chapin Carpenter on an FM station.
Oldwest tourism strategy: If we install enough franchise drive-ins and motels along the highway, if we clear-cut enough forests and strip-mine enough mountains, if we dam every valley and divert every stream, then the West will look like every place else, people will quit coming, and we won't have to worry about tourism impacts.
Newwest tourism strategy: If we maintain a lot of open space by establishing a new bureaucracy, then the remaining developable property will become quite desirable and therefore expensive. Only the People of Money will have the means to visit or settle, and there aren't enough of them to cause any real problems.
Oldwest candidate: Tries to make you believe that his opponent supports street crime, family degeneration and bad schools.
Newwest candidate: Tries to make you believe that his opponent supports eagle-poaching, cyanide-laden rivers and formaldehyde fumes.
Oldwest ideal view of terrain: Veterinary-supply calendar photo or Marlboro Country ad.
Newwest ideal view of terrain: John Denver album cover or mountain-bike ad.
Oldwest ritual for celebrating indigenous culture: spring branding with propane-heated irons.
Newwest ritual for celebrating indigenous culture: propane-heated sweat lodge.
Oldwest favorite writers: Louis L'Amour and Luke Short.
Newwest favorite writers: Edward Abbey and John Nichols.
Oldwest favorite artists: Don't know nothin' about art, but I know what I like -- Frederick Remington, Charles Russell, Alfred Bierstadt, Thomas Moran.
Newwest favorite artists: Declaring any preference would represent an elitist pronouncement of cultural hegemony, but has expressed admiration for Crow beadwork, Navajo weaving and Mogollon pottery.
Oldwest water policy: Capture every drop and put it to beneficial use irrigating sidewalks, or else California will get it.
Newwest water policy: Let California have it. That way, they get the people and we get the rivers.
Oldwest favorite demon: Bruce Babbitt. How could someone with such solid ranching roots sell out to them tree-huggers?
Newwest favorite demon: Bruce Babbitt. How could someone with such an enlightened view of environment sell out to the miners, ranchers and loggers?
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