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After watching congress cope with the nomination of Dr. Henry Foster as surgeon-general of the United States, you have to wonder what you'd see and hear if there were Jehovah's Witnesses in the Senate.
As it is, all manner of headline-hunting senators are denouncing Foster because he performed a few abortions over the years, and he couldn't remember the exact number.
Abortion is a legal medical procedure. So is a blood transfusion, although Witnesses find biblical grounds for opposing transfusions. That's their right, but can you imagine any senator attacking a nominee because he couldn't remember precisely how many blood transfusions he had performed -- transfusions that not only violated the prescriptions of Leviticus, but also may have spread AIDS?
Or suppose there were a few devout Christian Scientists in the Senate. They would oppose any physician, as well as all Medicare, Medicaid, medical research and public health-service appropriations.
Nor, judging by the Foster controversy, does our Congress contain any herbalists, acupuncturists, massage therapists, homeopaths, shamans, inner-child healers, crystal fondlers or the like. Not a single voice has been raised to ask why no nominee for surgeon general, from any president, has ever reflected the sprawling diversity of medical belief in our society.
How can the congress claim to be representative, when
any of us can walk down the street and find half a dozen
people who will attack patriarchal Western Medicine
as an exploitative system based on oppressive
hierarchies?
Every surgeon-general to date has been a rather conventional physician, and after consultation with my advisers, I've contrived the nominee who could be confirmed by the current U.S. Senate. We'll call him Dr. Lucas Galen, and we move now to the committee hearing.
Sen. Ardent Proleif: Dr. Galen, have you ever performed an abortion?
Dr. Galen: Absolutely, categorically not. Of course, for most of my career, I've been a plastic surgeon in Palm Springs, so it's not an issue I've had to face often.
Sen. Clinic Bomber: That's a refreshing answer, doctor. But have you ever referred a woman for an abortion?
Dr. Galen: To be honest, Senator, I have. The most recent occasion, in my recollection, was when Sen. Proleif was in town, golfing with some corporate lobbyists, and called, asking if I could make certain arrangements for his 22-year-old secretary, who was for some reason along on the trip...
Sen. Proleif: Ahem, I think we've pursued that question as far as necessary, and it's time to move to other topics. Dr. Galen, in your view, what is the most pressing public-health issue facing America today? Would it be AIDS, teen pregnancy, or smoking?
Dr. Galen: Senator, I'd have to say none of the
above.
One major issue is the capital gains tax, which
makes independent physicians more reluctant to sell their
practices to corporate-chain hospitals. If the tax were
repealed, then we might have a more orderly medical system
in this country.
Sen. Rush Dittohead: Amen, brother. That clearly is the major impediment. Any other pressing issues?
Dr. Galen: Hmmm. Well, you fellows repealed the luxury tax on yachts, so that's been taken care of. It was tough to unwind when we were left with only golf on Wednesdays and monthly tax-deductible continuing-medical-education seminars at Hilton Head.
Sen. Proleif: So that's it?
Dr. Galen: Well, there have been some restrictions which could be repealed. We ought to be able to require our patients to go to laboratories we own, that sort of thing. There's entirely too much government regulation.
Sen. Dittohead: Amen, brother.
Sen. Consistent Belief: So, if you're against government regulation of medical care, you'd support an open market, and let anyone practice any sort of medicine?
Dr. Galen: The very idea is preposterous, and I'm shocked that you would dare attack the bedrock foundations of the finest medical care system in the world.
Sen. Percival Softhart: Dr. Galen, do you think the current system serves the working poor?
Dr. Galen: Millions of Americans enjoy the right to lie awake at nights, fretting about the possibility of devastating medical bills, of losing their homes and cars and everything they've worked for, because they lack sufficient insurance. I, for one, would never want to abridge that inalienable right.
Sen. Dittohead: Amen, brother. If they want health insurance, let them get elected to the Congress, I say.
Sen. Proleif: Well, gentlemen, I see no reason not to recommend confirmation to the full senate. We have an excellent, qualified nominee here who reflects the growing belief that government involvement in medicine should end at birth.
Alas, the critics are right. The Clinton nomination process is hopelessly flawed. He foolishly picked some do-gooder who cared about the health of poor black people, rather than somebody acceptable to the United States Senate. When will he ever learn?
END OF COLUMN
Note 1: It would be nice if you could bold-face the
speakers' names above, like Sen. Proleif:
in
bold.
Note 2, for Chuck Green: I don't know if you're going to hit this in your 35-acre ruminations, but there are other effects of that law. The 35-acre minimum means that only people of means can buy rural property, which makes it tough to provide middle-class housing -- the normal development with small lots is tightly regulated with expensive requirements, while the upper-class sprawl is essentially exempt from expensive regulation. One consequence: the folks who can afford these 35-acre ranchettes are often the folks who demand expensive services from local government like instantly plowed roads and 24-hour sheriff's patrols. This pushes local taxes up, and can push more regular people out of the amenity playground. Yet there's still a need for service workers, who then end up commuting and clogging narrow, dangerous highways. The best way to preserve open space is to increase the density in inhabited areas, and that doesn't seem to have dawned on many of our leaders.
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