< PREVIOUS ] [ 1995 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >
Someday I shall publish the results of my years of research into municipal boosterism (work long enough for enough different small-town newspapers, and one result, besides penury, is that you actually think about municipal boosterism).
This monograph will critique municipal mottoes. Some are
quite sensible. Paonia, for instance, claims nothing more
than Fruit Capital of the North Fork.
With its
competition thereby limited to Hotchkiss, Lazear, Somerset
and Bowie, and with Bowie having been razed a few years
ago, Paonia has an honest claim to its slogan.
But there are others which aren't as honest and
distinctive, like Fort Collins as Colorado's Choice
City.
Couldn't any town claim that? And besides, it
makes me think of meat. Would Greeley be Colorado's
Prime City
? Would some hamlet surrounded by scrub bulls
in bad pasture confess to Colorado's Canner
City
?
Other slogans are rather grandiose, like Salida's claim
to Heart of the Rockies.
It's memorable, but not distinctive. Other mountain towns can appropriate it. Salida has used it for at least 60 years, but that didn't stop Summit County from employing it in some Front Range television advertising.
There were local complaints, occurring about the third time that year that the river turned orange on account of flooding of old mine drainage tunnels near Leadville.
I suggested to the local authorities that we change our
slogan from Heart of the Rockies
to Failing
Kidneys of the Rockies
-- short, memorable, and
something Summit County probably wouldn't steal. But my
well-intentioned proposal went nowhere.
By contrast, Buena Vista seems to have done pretty well
with Home of the Fourteeners.
It's not quite
accurate, since none of the peaks rises within the town
limits, but you can probably see as many 14,000-foot peaks
from Buena Vista as from anywhere in the state.
That is, if you can stand outdoors there this time of year. The breeze will rip off your hat and coat, and I swear I saw a couple of children among the barn roofs and farm machinery scudding along Pleasant Avenue.
The chamber types might refer to Gentle zephyrs
wafting across the Banana Belt of the Rockies,
but
folks there, when I mentioned the wind, referred to it as
our best population control mechanism. We encourage
everyone who's thinking of moving here to come in April,
and so far, it's working to keep us from being overwhelmed
by growth.
During a gas stop once in Fairplay (leading city of A
Park for All Seasons
), I mentioned that the winds were
a little harsher than normal that day.
Please don't say the W word in here,
the woman
behind the counter cautioned me. We wash our children's
mouths out with soap for that.
Nobody wants the honor of Wind Capital of the
Centennial State.
You'd think that perhaps some
real-estate development between Pueblo and Walsenburg,
where the highway signs warn Gusty Winds May Exist
and Gusty Winds Likely,
might claim that for a
slogan. But no.
And what's with this Gusty Winds May Exist,
along
with another gem from the Colorado Department of
Transportation, Icy Conditions May Exist
?
They may exist, or they may not. Can't beat that for
truthful signage. It's so informative, right up there with
Sun Rises in East
or Politicians May Take
Liberties with the Truth.
What do these signs tell us
that we don't already know? Don't we have enough technology
today to put up appropriate messages: Wind tossing semis
off the road 10 miles ahead
or Black ice near
milepost 279
?
Last week we ventured from the Heart of the Rockies through the Crossroads of the Rockies (Poncha Springs, to the unenlightened), en route to the Land of Cool Sunshine (Alamosa), and stopped to see some friends in the Colorado Gateway to the San Luis Valley.
That's the sign at the Saguache city limits, although
the motto in the Saguache Crescent is North Gateway Thru
Colorado's Prosperous San Luis Valley.
I asked Mugs Batchelder at the Crescent where I could
find this Prosperous San Luis Valley.
Many times I
have visited the other one, but I'd never run across the
prosperous one.
She said she didn't have time to explain because they were still getting out that week's Crescent on an old sheet-fed press rattling away behind the Linotype machines. Every small-town paper was printed that way 30 years ago; now only the Crescent survives in Colorado as a shop where Benjamin Franklin could walk right in and go to work.
As to Alamosa's slogan: It's accurate. It was indeed cool and sunny there, which led to a problem, because the clement weather inspired me to sit outdoors without a hat.
I had forgotten, as fellows my age often do, that my scalp has lost most of its protective coating of hair.
My sun-burnt head hurts plenty now, worse than any
hangover, and I'm thinking of writing the Alamosa chamber,
or maybe the state transportation department, to see about
a sign that says Bald-spot burning conditions may
exist.
There are some warning signs we could use.
< PREVIOUS ] [ 1995 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >