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Just before the U.S. House of Representatives took an August recess, our congress was working on an overhaul of the nation's telecommunications laws, many of which date back to the day when radio and dial telephones were a novelty, and Western Union had young men peddling bicycles to deliver telegrams.
The basic idea is more competition. Thus long-distance telephone companies can offer local service, local phone companies can offer long-distance, the cable company can offer both along with access to data networks, and everybody with a wire into your house can figure out new ways of fetching money from your pockets.
But at the risk of sounding like a L-----L, I'd like to see some consumer protections in any new telecommunications bill:
· Forbid telephone solicitation for any services covered by this law. As it is, every time I get ensconced on the couch with a cold drink and a good book with some old Steve Goodman music on the stereo, the Comfort Destruction Alarm goes off in the boiler-room of some long-distance company, and immediately the telephone rings.
Mr. Quillen, I'm from Intergalactic Long-Distance
Systems, and we'd like you to consider switching to our
company. We can save you tens, perhaps hundreds, of cents
every month, and we use state-of-the-art tin cans and
strings. Further, a percentage of your bill every month
goes to important social causes like the Retired
Congressman Serving As Lobbyist Pension Augmentation Fund
and the Wetland Fillers Protection Society.
I ask them to send me something in writing. They're scared of anything in writing, so the call ends abruptly.
This aggravation will multiply with competition. Two or three local telephone companies, a couple of cellular providers, half-a-dozen cable outfits, more long-distance hustlers -- all pestering you.
If these calls can't be banned altogether, we could
provide a national quiet time
from 6 p.m. to 8 a.m.
nightly. Granted, the Republican majority doesn't want to
interfere with the inalienable right of corporations to
extract money from our pockets. On the other hand, the GOP
also supports family values,
and a few evening hours
free of calls from strangers could enhance family values by
allowing families to do something besides answer the
phone.
· Outlaw stupid terms like wireless cable.
It makes about as much sense as dehydrated water
or
taped live performance.
A cable is an assembly of wires. If it is
wireless,
then it is an assembly of nothing. No
matter how much nothing you put together, you still have
nothing. I realize that much has changed in the past 30
years, but they taught us in beginning algebra that zero
times anything still produces zero, and this logic seemed
to hold until wireless cable
came along.
No wonder American students do worse in math every year. Study as they might, they're exposed to this sort of imbecility every time they watch the tube.
· Uniform Service Requirement. Any service that a communications provider offers in any part of its territory should be available in all parts.
As it is, US West, our friendly local telephone monopoly, runs lots of ads for exciting services like call-forwarding, distinctive ringing, etc., none of which are available in vast portions of US West's territory, places where some people can't get service at all and others must settle for party lines.
However, when the company has capital available from milking its captive rural cash cows, it invests in a new telephone system for Hungary. Or the company runs more fiber-optic lines in the metropolitan areas, where it fears competition, rather than upgrading service in its captive markets.
The Uniform Service Requirement would not prevent US West from offering any service it chose to provide -- but it would insure that the company takes care of its present customers before jumping into new ventures. Further, all companies -- telephone, cable, etc. -- would be required to maintain offices in all towns where they do business, so that their own people know what sort of service they're providing.
· Standardized Voice Mail From Hell. In an ideal world, of course, all voice-mail systems, other than simple answering machines, would be eliminated. If a company is big enough to need these infernal devices, then it's big enough to hire people to answer the phone, direct calls, and take messages.
In this world, that will never happen. But couldn't they standardize these things so that the pound key or the asterisk key does the same thing on all systems? Sometimes a given key terminates, sometimes it moves you to an extension, occasionally it gets you to a human or prompts you for a message -- and who's smart enough to keep track of all these variations? Standardize it and teach it in school, along with other survival skills.
· Hold Limitation. A substantial and escalating fine for anyone who leaves you on hold for more than 60 seconds. The fine is tripled if they play elevator music while you're holding.
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