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After both ends of the political spectrum joined to
attack gangsta rap,
I shouldn't have been surprised
when two Coloradans, always on opposite sides before,
issued an invitation to a joint press conference concerning
Halloween.
Sitting before the media were Constance Fundament of
Jefferson County, who has attracted national attention with
her back to slates and hornbooks
campaign to improve
local schools, and Sunshine Chakra of Boulder County,
lately the head of the campaign to prohibit all tobacco
possession.
They had formed Coloradans United to Confront Heathenism
and Offensive Outfits (CUCHOO). Fundament began by urging
trick-or-treaters not to wear witch, goblin and other
costumes which glorify heathen superstition.
Chakra had trouble staying silent as she spoke, but he
managed to wait his turn. The problem with these
costumes is that they are profoundly disrespectful. Many
womyn study for years to become wiccans -- gentle healers
who have for centuries been defamed as witches -- and to
allow children to represent themselves as such, merely by
donning a store-bought non-biodegradable costume, all in
the name of frivolity, is a deep and abiding insult to
those who have worked so assiduously to put themselves in
touch with the natural rhythms and effusions of
Earth.
When it was her turn, Fundament assailed hobo costumes.
As the twig is bent, so the tree grows,
she said,
and if we allow children to present themselves as
unkempt and unemployed, they may fail to seek management
positions with Fortune 500 companies on adulthood.
This also impacts the self-esteem of the
homeless,
Chakra added. Middle-class children who
can afford to dress better are making cruel sport of the
economically impaired.
Both were vehement in denouncing costumes based on
Native American themes. They were godless pagans,
Fundament said. Chakra added that No one has the right
to wear a head dress or breech cloth unless that person has
gone on a vision quest and meditated in a sweat lodge. To
pretend otherwise is to demean our geospiritual
ancestors.
Neither had much good to say about trick-or-treating,
either. Chakra led off with an passionate assault on white
sugar and empty calories, while Fundament said that this
despicable practice encourages our children to believe that
they can get the things they want merely by asking, or even
worse, by threatening vandalism if they are not bribed to
behave themselves, instead of attaining their desires by
the traditional American values of discipline and hard
work.
Both said that CUCHOO's goal was to ban Halloween entirely.
Chakra explained that the term is descended from
Hallow e'en
from All Hallows' Even,
or, the
eve of All Saints' Day on Nov. 1. The very word is a
gratuitous insult to the vast majority of humans who never
sainthood,
he said. Think of the hurt that an
innocent little child must feel when she realizes that, in
all likelihood, she will never become a saint. By
celebrating saints, we irreparably damage the precious
self-esteem of those who are not saints.
In Fundament's eyes, saints are just a smokescreen to
obscure wicked origins. The last day of October was
originally a Celtic earth cult festival, and the pioneer
European missionaries who brought enlightenment mistakenly
believed they could eradicate these revelries by moving All
Hallow's Day from May 1 to Nov. 1 in the year 834. That was
1,161 years ago, and you can see how evil persists.
CUCHOO plans to purify similar aspects of American popular culture as soon as Halloween is eliminated.
Our leadership council has determined that there's
something even worse than the H-day,
Fundament said,
and that is the infidel nomenclature we casually apply
to the days of the week.
Saturday, Sunday and Monday, she observed, come from
Saturn, the sun and the moon, which have been worshipped
as deities by idolaters since the expulsion from
Eden.
Chakra said this mundane weekday mention of that
which has been held holy by millions of earnest worshipers
is a sacrilege which no decent or humane society should
commit.
Wednesday and Thursday derive from Odin's Day and Thor's
Day, which celebrate primitive Teutonic divinities,
to which Chakra added that they were violent warmongers,
and an influence even worse for children than GI-Joe dolls
or toy guns.
They had similar objections to Tuesday, which comes from
Tiu's Day. Tiu was the Norse version of Mars, the Roman god
of war and namesake of the month of March, another blot
on the calendar.
Then came Friday, from Freyja's Day. Freyja was the
Saxon version of Venus, Roman goddess of love and the root
word of venereal.
Little wonder that we have so much carnal
immorality,
Fundament began, to be interrupted by
Chakra, who shouted that We must celebrate love in all
forms.
Fundament responded that the planet Venus was also known as Lucifer, and as their discussion heated up, I crept out the door. Perhaps someday CUCHOO will get its act together and cleanse our calendar of paganism and insult, but for the moment, Halloween frivolity seems safe.
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