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Since the Post is devoting considerable attention this week to the state of the American family, I figured I should contribute to the colloquy by calling my favorite inside source: Ananias Ziegler, media relations director for the Committee That Really Runs America.
Glad you called, Quillen,
he said. In fact, I
was just about to call you about the big challenge we're
facing in 1996.
I pressed for details about the challenge.
It's Traditional Family Values. The public is all for
them, and so the Committee has to put a foursquare and
wholesome spin on its agenda. We've got to look like a
Norman Rockwell painting. But that's just for show, of
course.
You mean you guys are really opposed to Traditional
Family Values,
I said, but you want to look as
though America has been going downhill ever since the
Cleavers went off the air.
You got it,
Ziegler said. Nobody wants to
admit it publicly, but Traditional Family Values are bad
for America.
This was the first time I'd ever heard any such thing,
so I was a bit nonplused. But Traditional Family Values
are all I hear from Republicans who want to be President
when they grow up,
I protested.
Think about it, Quillen. You take a nice, normal
suburban split-level family -- comfortable, but not real
upscale. Only one cable TV connection, only one phone line,
probably two cars, one microwave oven, one VCR and so
forth.
I pictured Mr. and Mrs. America at home with Junior and Sis, gathered around the kitchen table saying grace before Thanksgiving dinner.
Now, Dad starts tomcatting around, and Mom throws him
out. He gets an apartment. Some landlord -- likely somebody
who contributes to political campaigns -- gets money he
wouldn't get otherwise, and those chipboard apartment
complexes, along with the road that reach them, come from
contractors and developers -- other campaign contributors
who expect the Committee to look out for their
interests.
And Dad needs another cable TV connection, another
phone line, another microwave oven, another VCR -- we get
the chance to sell two items where we could sell only one
before. If people really practiced all this Traditional
Family Values stuff, the economy would be hurting.
So this is another Republican plot,
I suggested.
Talk big on Traditional Family Values, but operate on
the principle of Maximized Corporate Values.
Ziegler conceded there was some truth in my accusation.
There are factions on the Committee who push hard to
keep wages so low that, in order to maintain a household,
both partners have to work two full-time jobs. Thus they
have no time or energy for their children, and they drive a
lot shuttling the kids to day-care centers, thus helping
automobile and oil companies...
Aha!
I shouted. Now I know how you evil
corporate shills are running the country.
Ziegler chuckled. There are folks from the other
party on the Committee, Quillen, and they're no fans of
Traditional Family Values either, no matter what they say
at campaign time.
How's that?
I asked.
Okay, go back to Mr. and Mrs. America after they
split up. Sis takes up with a punk who leaves town about 20
seconds after he finds out she's pregnant. So, there's some
work for an abortionist, who won't be supporting any
Republicans. If Sis carries the baby to term, there's work
for welfare caseworkers and claims processors -- all sorts
of bureaucrats who are traditionally supporters of the
Democratic party.
I was catching on. And if Junior gets dysfunctional
at school?
I asked.
The worse students behave at school, the more
teachers you need per room, and the more membership for the
National Education Association, another big Democratic
enabler. And the more teachers, the more administrators.
Plus, don't forget the need for counselors and therapists
to deal with the kids. The less that families can do for
children, the more that expensive professionals must do,
and money makes the world go 'round.
Suppose Junior drops out, I wondered aloud.
Then he's probably hanging out on the streets, part
of a gang,
Ziegler said. That means we need more cops,
more prosecutors, more courts, more prisons -- all sorts of
jobs and spending that we wouldn't need if we had strong
families.
This was depressing. You mean that all this talk
about strengthening families in America is just that --
talk?
I asked.
You got it,
Ziegler said. Nobody on the
Committee profits when American families hold together.
However, we rake it in when the divorce rate is high and
kids are messed up. But we're counting on you guys in the
media to persuade everyone that the Committee That Really
Runs America is 110 percent in favor of Traditional Family
Values.
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