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Confused by the latest economic news, I called my favorite inside source, Ananias Ziegler, media manipulation director for the Committee That Really Runs America.
Ziegler is usually affable, but this time, he sounded
rather short. How on earth did you reach me?
he
asked.
Same number I've been using for years,
I
explained.
We'll have to get that changed,
he said. I
thought all our lines went through our new Voice Mail from
Hell system.
Why would you want to keep people from reaching
you?
I wondered. Isn't that your job -- to talk to
us scurrilous and biased media jackals, and how can you do
that if we're busy trying to remember whether to push 1 for
spin control or 4 for details on the close connection
between the Unabomber and the Tree-Hugger Society?
Ziegler softened. We're not like some other outfits.
We can certainly afford to hire people to answer the phone
and direct calls accordingly. But I discovered that no one
would take us seriously unless we fired all the telephone
receptionists and installed an automated call-direction
system. Since I'm in charge of the Committee's image, I had
no choice. We can't afford to look like a bush-league
operation that still has people on the payroll.
I agreed that image is important, and moved on. Can
you explain Wall Street to me?
I asked.
Probably not,
he confessed. If I could, I'd be
trading stocks, not answering your questions.
Fair enough,
I said, but perhaps you can still
help me here. The stock market dropped last week. I thought
that was supposed to reflect bad economic
conditions.
It does,
Ziegler said.
But from what I read in the left-wing lying liberal
media, the market drop occurred because investors were
worried that there were too many new jobs in America. Isn't
it good news to have more people working?
For Bill Clinton's reelection campaign, maybe,
Ziegler said. But it's not good news for the
Committee.
But why?
I continued. The more that people
work, the more money they make, and the more they can buy
from the companies listed on the stock exchange, and those
companies can grow and prosper.
That's naive thinking that went out years ago.
Granted, Henry Ford doubled wages to $5 a day once and
discovered that he made even more money because his
employees could afford to buy the cars he made, but these
days, we don't expect a carpenter to be able to afford a
house. Times have changed.
I felt myself getting spun, and tried to remain
steadfast. Just tell me why job growth is bad for Wall
Street,
I said.
Well, the labor supply is relatively fixed,
Ziegler said. If there are more job openings, then
there's more competition for employees. That tends to drive
up American wages, and, well, face it, that's not what the
Committee's all about. We're into union-busting, off-shore
production, down-sizing, that sort of thing.
I had thought as much, and told him so. But real
wages haven't grown much, if at all,
I noted. So
that can't explain everything.
He sighed. You're right. But if there's job growth,
then the Federal Reserve Board figures the economy is doing
well, and thus there's no need to cut interest rates to
stimulate the economy. But the higher the interest rate,
the more it costs to borrow money to buy machinery to
replace workers.
I wasn't quite convinced, and pressed him to continue.
Further, if more of the plebeian rabble commoners
have jobs, they tend to borrow and spend more, and that
means we could have inflation. Inflation means you guys
would be paying off your debts with cheaper dollars, and
that's not good for creditors.
But you just said that Wall Street borrows money,
too, and wouldn't inflation benefit corporate borrowers
even if it hurt corporate lenders?
It's a delicate balance,
Ziegler conceded. But
you seem to be missing the point.
What point?
I wondered.
I guess I'll have to spell it out for you,
Ziegler grunted. It's real simple. If there's too much
money on Main Street, it's bad for America, and this is
reflected on the stock exchange. Money means power, and
just as we don't allow ordinary people to own powerful
things like atomic bombs, we can't allow money to fall into
the wrong hands, either. Money must be kept in the hands of
responsible people who will use it to put other people out
of work. Can you imagine how horrible things would be if we
let just anybody get a job and make money?
He had another call, so I hung up, and tried to imagine the horror he described -- a frightening vision of the Dow at 3,000 and mere citizens, able to find work they enjoyed at companies which wanted them, drawing good wages and buying houses and cars.
But I have every confidence that the Committee will be able to prevent that from happening.
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