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Thank you for calling American Security Airlines. How
may I help you?
I'd like to make reservations for a round trip.
Denver to Phoenix next Wednesday, return on Friday night or
Saturday morning.
We have seats available. Now we need to know if you
qualify. Whom do you intend to meet in Phoenix?
I'm not sure. It's a regional sales staff meeting,
and I don't know who all will be there. That's one reason
for the meeting, so we can get to know each other.
I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to be more specific.
For all we know, you could be planning to meet with the
Viper Militia in Phoenix, and we can't let people just
travel around and meet with anybody they feel like
seeing.
Of course. I understand. I'm sorry. But, well, wait.
Our regional sales manager is Jennifer Upscale. You could
check with her. She'll vouch for me and the
meeting.
Let me check on our computer here. Oh, no. I'm afraid
I'll need another reference, sir.
Why? She's a solid citizen.
In 1968, she had a college roommate whose second
cousin once walked past an anti-war rally supported by the
SDS, some of whose members later formed the Weather
Underground, a terrorist organization. And in 1987, after
her divorce, she had coffee with a man who had associated
with marijuana experimenters in 1971.
Gee, I didn't know Jennifer had such a lurid past.
She always struck me as pretty much the straitlaced
corporate type. I'll have to ask her about it.
Sir, this is no occasion for levity. Now, if you can
provide us with another reference so that we can process
your application for a ticket reservation.
Sorry. How about Jim Digwell? He's been my next-door
neighbor for years. He can tell you I'm a law-abiding
citizen, anyway.
Digwell, James. Let me check. Our records show he was
a hang-up man on the Storke Level at the Climax Mine near
Leadville before he was laid off in 1982.
That'd be Jim, all right. Had to start all over when
he was 37, and he's done all right for himself.
Our records show that he's an explosives
expert.
Of course he was. That's how you break rock
underground, with dynamite and Prill and blasting
caps.
Oh, so he's been teaching you?
No, he just talks about it sometimes.
So you say. Further, Mr. Digwell once belonged to a
miners' union, and in 1904 the Western Federation of Miners
launched a campaign of domestic terrorism in Colorado and
Idaho. Then the federation merged into the International
Workers of the World, the Wobblies, a terrorist group if
there ever was one. I don't see any listed connection
between Mr. Digwell's union and these old unions, but you
can never be too sure these days.
I see. Well, maybe I can get my company's head office
to call you and get me squared away on that account. It
really is a sales meeting that I'm required to attend.
Look, would anybody be flying to Phoenix in August if he
didn't have to? Now, is there anything else we need to
do?
Assuming your corporate travel verification
certificate arrives tomorrow and that we can confirm that
you will not encounter any members of suspected terrorist
organizations in Phoenix, we'll need your notarized
explanation of your actions on Feb. 29, 1996.
I'm not too sure I remember anything special about
Leap Day. Oh, wait. That's when they had the regional sales
meeting in Bozeman. My company's run by some major-league
cheapskates -- they always go for the off-season rates on
the meetings, Montana in February, Arizona in
August.
According to our records, you took a different flight
than your baggage. That's highly suspicious.
It wasn't my idea, either. If you guys have to
misroute things, next time why don't you send me to Tahiti
and my bags to Bozeman?
Sir, must I remind you again that this is no time for
levity? I assume you've already signed the waiver that
allows us to examine your medical records, FBI raw data
file and credit history?
I signed that in February. Now, is there anything
else you need so we can make this work?
When can you bring in your luggage to be checked?
Normally we like it at least 72 hours in advance so that we
have sufficient time for the canine olfactory examination,
CAT scan and the neutron-beam analysis, but for a small
surcharge, we can go as late as 24 hours before your
departure.
Couldn't you just search the bags if you're that
all-fired worried about what I might be carrying?
Oh, no sir. That would be an invasion of your
privacy. And we want to respect your rights while we make
sure that terrorists don't succeed in snarling and
complicating the nation's transportation system.
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