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Given that the Broncos have an exemplary won-loss record this fall, how might Denver best exhibit orange lunacy this time around?
Individuals, of course, will have an easy time participating. It's not that hard to dye your hair orange -- you can do that at home, if necessary, although the more upscale might prefer to employ Dennis Rodman's hairdresser, so that they can boast about their brush with celebrity.
People of noncolor could go one better, though, and make their skin orange.
It isn't simple. There are many Colorado maladies which can alter skin color, ranging from frostbite to Rocky Mountain spotted fever, but none of these produces orange. So a combination of yellow and red is required.
At first glance, yellow should be easy. Our politicians
get yellow bellies
all the time -- it happens
whenever they see something frightening like a
multi-national corporation or the religious right.
But that yellow, alas, is merely metaphorical. The real yellow comes from jaundice, which results from an obstruction in the flow of bile from the liver to the intestines, or from liver damage.
For the long-term transformation, repeated heavy consumption of alcohol will hammer the liver to produce jaundice. And Colorado these days offers ample inspiration for a multi-year bender -- meditate for a few moments about the relentless march of wider highways, shopping malls and apartment complexes, and it's almost guaranteed that you'll be seeking solace in a bottle.
But it would be socially irresponsible to encourage tippling as a start on personal Broncomania transformation, especially when hepatitis also produces skin-yellowing jaundice.
Hepatitis is often transmitted by unsanitary food-handlers All we have to do is repeal the restaurant-inspection laws -- Republicans will be glad to lead the way in removing this government-imposed burden upon the hard-working entrepreneurs of this nation -- and thousands of Coloradans will start turning yellow.
After you're good and jaundiced, you need to add the
red. Go to the tanning salon and arrange to stay overnight
-- you want the full-burn
setting which will produce
the red to add to your yellow to produce the orange.
An orange citizenry isn't enough, of course. For instance, Chicago celebrates St. Patrick's Day by dying the Chicago River green.
Now, if Denver could arrange a higher flow in the South Platte to celebrate a visit by the vice president, the city certainly has the resources to color the river.
But how? We in the Arkansas Valley could help. Up by Leadville, near the start of our river, is the Yak Tunnel. It was built to haul ore and drain mines -- and it still does a fine job of the latter.
Before treatment, this acidic mine drainage is a fine bright orange. Denver always wants water from the hinterlands -- pump the stuff over 13,188-foot Mosquito Pass, where it can flow down to the South Platte at Fairplay and thence to the metropolis to augment Bronco festivities.
There must be an orange analog to green St. Patrick's
Day. Militant Irish protestants are sometimes known as
Orangemen,
and they doubtless celebrate some date,
probably the anniversary of some battle.
I feel guilty for not knowing more, since the Elijah Quillen who arrived on these shores in 1755 was an Orangeman. But on the other hand, such celebrations inspire religious warfare in Ireland, and in Colorado, we're already too close to that unhappy condition -- just go to any school board meeting if you don't believe me.
Perhaps Denver could offer to host a state visit by Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, of the House of Orange.
Another way to get serious about Broncomania: Rename the
state. Colorado
is a Spanish word that means red. We
could play the mixing game and cross it with Spanish
yellow, amarillo,
and come up with
Amarado.
That doesn't appear in my quite-abridged Spanish
dictionary, but there are similar words, all related to
amorous,
and Amarado
might mean something
embarrassing. But we could safely change Colorado to
Naranja in honor of the Bronco. Our Official Language will
get in the way, though. Even Bronco is a Spanish word and
thus improper for law-abiding Coloradans.
But the easiest solution, simpler than changing an official name, adding a holiday, or dyeing a river, is to rechristen the Brown Cloud.
On many days, it could certainly qualify as orange
rather than brown, and with a little work, the national
newscasts might lead with Denver's exuberant Bronco fans
celebrated today by coloring the city's atmosphere
orange....
Granted, that's a cheap trick -- far cheaper than a new stadium.
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