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Those of us who have enjoyed hiking, fishing, camping, hunting, picnicking and like activities in our national forests have been enjoying a free ride that's about to end -- the Forest Service has announced plans to start charging us entry fees.
Granted, these are tough times for federal budgets, and the Forest Service does need every dollar for useful things.
For instance, if we wanted to do something useful, such as cut trees, the Forest Service would build roads at its own expense. If we wanted forage for cattle, they might offer a grazing lease at rates well below those for private land. If we wanted to open a mine and leach crushed rock with cyanide, they'd sell us the land for $5 an acre.
Obviously, the Forest Service budget gets strained by these important activities conducted by Republican campaign contributors, and so it must start charging other users.
In a change from past fee policies, though, much of the money will stay with the forest, rather than go disappear into the general treasury in Washington.
This sounds good in theory, but it also means that bureaucrats will not lobby for their budgets. Instead, they'll compete against each other for our recreation dollars, and that means they'll use advertising, market segmentation and the other tools of modern commerce.
In a few years, then, our familiar one-size-fits-all national forests -- Arapahoe, Pike, San Isabel, White River, etc. -- will vanish. Instead, a family in a mini-van laden with camping gear will drive up to the entry gate of one of the new national forests, and a scene like this might ensue:
Welcome to Upscale National Forest. The entrance fee
is $200 a day.
That's an outrage. Why is it so high?
Our market surveys revealed that our patrons
preferred an exclusive recreational amenity where they
would not be troubled by proletarian rabble. Now, will you
be paying with a gold or a platinum card?
The fidgeting kids in the back seat have been asking
Are we there yet?
ever since Omaha and vacation
comes only once a year.
Thank you. Now will you please step out of your car
so we can conduct a vehicle inspection?
They do, only to see a look of disgust cross the
ranger's face. What's the problem?
You're in violation of our vehicle covenants. We
generally don't allow anyone in who's driving anything less
than a two-year-old Cherokee.
No exceptions?
Classic Land Rovers, for one,
the ranger replies,
but let me check the computer inside the gatehouse.
She returns after a couple of minutes. You're in luck.
There's a special family-values quota in effect, and we'll
let you in with that two-wheel-drive vehicle.
Nice of you,
the father agrees, but why the
restriction on two-wheel-drives?
Because those often belong to elitist hikers who can
afford $50 shoes,
she says, and we want to cater to
the non-elites who can afford $25,000 vehicles.
But did you just say you were going after an
upper-tier market here?
the perplexed father
inquires.
Well, yes I did,
the ranger confesses. But I
don't make policy here, I just enforce it. And besides,
consistency is not a strong point of the American
public-lands discussion. Now, I must examine your
gear.
She pokes through it and pauses to hold up a cheap
discount-store fishing pole and reel. I'm afraid I'll
have to confiscate this,
she says. Nothing less than
a $400 graphite pole, and there are no exceptions.
One of the kids starts to complain. Dad, you said we
could go fishing. I saved my allowance to buy a
license.
Before he can answer, the ranger is tossing a jacket.
What's the problem?
the mother asks.
It's not Gore-Tex, and it's not this year's style
either,
the ranger patiently explains. You know, if
you'd made reservations, you'd have received our brochure
which explains what you can bring into Upscale National
Forest.
Well, I'm sorry,
the father answers. Maybe we
should just turn around and go somewhere else. Any
suggestions where we could go?
The ranger brightens. In Colorado, we've installed
designer forests for almost every socio-economic group. For
you, I'd suggest Family National Forest, where the
campgrounds all have cable-TV hookups. There's Parkinglot
Forest -- it's all paved, so you can drive anywhere, and so
nobody feels locked out of the public lands. And if you
come out with your buddies sometime, try Whiteguy National
Forest, where you can drink beer and drive around and hunt
everything all year. Teenagers like the Kegger Tract, and
there's the Paul Bunyan Memorial Stump Preserve -- just
call your travel agent for particulars.
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