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Imagine, if you will, a parallel universe, where there's a city called Boulder in a state of Colorado, where everything is the same as here and now -- except that there, the forces of modern American justice are really in charge.
And so we take you now into the indoctrination chamber at the Boulder Ministry of Public Information for the daily briefing from Prudence Newage, director of municipal evasion and obfuscation.
Newage: I want to welcome all you sensation-minded yellow-sheet gutter-brained sleaze-dealing slimeballs. Normally, I would issue a prepared statement, but you can just use yesterday's.
Reporter: But it's just the same as the day before's. Do you have any new developments?
Newage: Come to think of it, yes. The three sheriff's deputies who were assigned full-time to finding out who might have leaked material from the coroner's office are requiring lie-detector tests from all people who've ever walked past the morgue.
Reporter: Could you explain why, if the perpetrator of a brutal crime might still be at large, you're devoting scarce investigative resources to finding out who sneaked stuff out of the coroner's office? Especially stuff that is bound to become public record sooner or later, anyway?
Newage: Certain people said their feelings would be hurt if this material reached the public. Boulder is a special sort of place where we are truly sensitive to each other's feelings, and our law-enforcement agencies reflect the priorities of the community.
Reporter: Could it be that you're especially concerned with the sensitivity of people who can afford a $750,000 house? People who own two other houses, too?
Newage: It's insulting that you even suggest that.
Reporter: So you're telling me that if next week, a six-year-old girl's body is found under her parents' trailer house, everything will be handled just the same?
Newage: That question is of a speculative nature, and it would be inappropriate for me to respond. Now, can we move on?
Reporter: Beyond the investigation of the coroner's staff, has there been any other action?
Newage: At last count, 2,621 people had been arrested for purchasing, or attempting to purchase, the latest edition of the Globe, a trashy supermarket tabloid.
Reporter: Don't we have a free press in this country? What charge were they arrested on?
Newage: Second-degree accessory to the facilitation of potential psychological traumatization of a person or persons who engage top-flight attorneys and spin doctors. It carries a mandatory sentence of one year of weekly attendance at a six-hour sensitivity-enhancement seminar.
Reporter: Is facilitation of potential traumatization a crime anywhere besides Boulder?
Newage: I really couldn't answer that.
Reporter: Have other police agencies been called in?
Newage: I know what you're up to. You think that if I tell you we've called on, say, the CBI, and you've got a source in the CBI, then you're going to get some information. Sorry, I'm not going to help you there.
I can tell you, though, that we have called on every law-enforcement agency in Colorado, indeed the nation, to help enforce our injunction.
Reporter: What injunction?
Newage: It forbids uninformed speculation about this incident, and you should warn people that, if they're overheard indulging in any discussions of how this incident might have occurred or who might have been involved, they will face contempt citations.
Just this morning, six people were arrested in a diner in Salida after a local deputy overheard them speculating about the incident. As we've tried to make clear, such speculation hampers our investigative efforts.
Reporter: What investigative efforts? You're investigating leaks from the coroner's office, people buying the Globe, people talking about the case...
Newage: You weren't supposed to catch on. The idea was to focus all the attention on those scumbags at the Globe who tarnish the reputation of all journalists, even the responsible ones who just practice stenography...
Reporter: So you're not any closer to arresting anyone for murder?
Newage: I could have you arrested for attempting to victimize me by using the M-word, thereby potentially creating an offensive workplace environment....
Reporter: Sorry. Let me try again. Do you folks have any leads on who might have incidented that little girl?
Newage: Of course not, and you shouldn't expect us to, not when we have the responsibility of managing the entire response to the incident. The child's parents, though, have engaged first-rate investigators, and I'm sure they'll let you know when they feel it is appropriate.
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