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There's a little-known think tank that operates near here -- the Institute for the Study of Class Warfare in America, based in Smeltertown, an unincorporated suburb of Salida.
Actually, I'm not sure whether the area should still be called Smeltertown. For at least 20 years, it has been a peculiar example of the kind of rural blight that the gentrifiers try to protect us from -- for instance, the old cars on blocks there are generally Volvos, not Fords and Chevies.
And some friends who live there said they were trying to
improve the area's image. They said that Smeltertown
was passe. Their places along the river would henceforth be
Smelter Shores,
the houses on the bluffs would be in
Smelter Heights,
and the rest should be called
Smelter Estates.
Anyway, I reached the Institute and its director, Dr. Jethro Hoon, because I was curious about the recent revelations concerning cellular telephones.
To me, cellular telephones are as mysterious at ATMs -- I've never used either, and can't imagine why anyone would want to. The bank tellers hereabouts are charming and friendly, much more pleasant to deal with than some terminal, and one of the pleasures of driving is that no bill collector or aluminum-siding salesman can call me.
I read some disturbing news,
I told Dr. Hoon.
That it's as dangerous to talk on a cellular telephone
while driving as it is to be drunk while driving. Do you
think they'll pass stringent laws and enforce them
rigorously, the way they have with drunken driving?
Of course not,
Dr. Hoon said. They've already
come up with the statistics to show that cellular driving
is not a real hazard. The typical call lasts only two
minutes, that sort of thing.
So cellular driving isn't that big a danger to the
rest of us?
I wouldn't say that,
he cautioned. The real
issue is a little more complicated. Cellular phone users
have money, or they couldn't afford the gadgets and the
connect-time charges. They also think they're very
important people, so important that the earth would stop
spinning if a few minutes passed and they couldn't reach a
subordinate by telephone to delegate the preparation of a
corporate strategic vision statement.
I already knew that much,
I told Dr. Hoon.
So, since cellular driving is a vice of the upper
strata, it will not be regulated. Only vices of the lower
strata are deemed worthy of regulation in this
country.
That seemed preposterous, so I pressed him for some examples.
Nobody cared about cocaine when it was an affectation
of movie stars and rock idols,
he pointed out. As
soon as it reached the lower socio-economic orders, it
became a national menace.
And when somebody concocted a real cheap cocaine,
crack, that anybody could afford, then coke became a
scourge. And note that the penalties for low-rent crack are
much more severe than the penalties for high-roller
powdered cocaine.
He had a point there, but isn't that just one
isolated example?
I asked.
No, it's consistent with America's general
pharmaceutical policy. If your nerves are rattled and you
can afford a doctor, you get a prescription to Prozac. If
you can't afford the doctor and you smoke a joint to relax,
you get fines and imprisonment.
And if you're poor and smoke cigarettes out on the
street, you're a menace to public health. If you're rich
and can afford $10 cigars inside a private club, then
you're a trendsetter.
Some addictions are fashionable among the upper crust,
Dr. Hoon explained, and are thus healthy. Chocolate
contains with mood-altering alkaloids, but it's wholesome.
The 'runner's high' pumps your body full of endorphins and
produces a state identical to a morphine thrall, but people
who can afford personal trainers are not a threat to
American society.
He'd made his point, and I moved back to our initial
topic. So cellular driving won't ever be regulated, even
if it's as dangerous as drunken driving?
I asked.
Oh, that day could come,
Dr. Hoon concluded.
If cellular telephony ever gets so cheap that just
anybody could practice it -- say some guy driving a beater
pickup with bald tires -- then of course it will become a
threat to public safety, and the highway cops will look for
phones the way they look for open containers now.
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