< PREVIOUS ] [ 1997 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >
Most homeowners, I think, will agree that the first sign of life that our spacecraft will find on the planet Mars will not be a microbe, nucleic acid residuum or dormant spore. Instead, the life found on another planet will be a thriving elm.
Every time I step outdoors, I find elms sprouting in the most improbable and inhospitable places -- sidewalk cracks, window frames, beneath shingles, even inside a spruce. (Our genuine Colorado yard boasts columbines and a blue spruce -- we're still working on the bighorn sheep, the lark bunting and the cut-throat trout.)
These elms are tough and resilient. Just a fortnight ago, my neighbor advised he was again going after the elms that had invaded near the alley along our shared fence line. He'd cut them all down a couple of years ago, and now they again threatened his woodshed.
This time, he planned to bore large holes in the stumps
and pack the holes with rock salt. That'll get 'em for
sure,
he said, but I cautioned him. Remember what
happened to my front lilacs.
There we had a tree contractor remove an elm that had sprouted amid the lilacs, and had then soared to such dimensions that when strong winds came through (such winds are rather frequent, though you probably won't hear about our gusts from the Board of Realtors, the Tourist & Visitor Bureau or the Chamber of Commerce), the tree attempted to scratch the roof off my front porch.
Further, stray branches would go sailing into my neighbor's yard, once tearing into the canvas top of his old Jeep.
Said elm was duly chopped down, and the tree guy
afterward informed me that I painted the stump with this
stuff that'll make sure it never returns.
Ha. Within three months, the lilacs were yellow and curled, obviously in their death throes from the elm toxin, while the elm stump boasted at least half a dozen thriving shoots, some as thick as my arm.
Elms are immune to physical and chemical warfare, and they sprout everywhere, which indicates that they are in fact alien invaders immune to earthly forces. So I won't be a bit surprised when the Pathfinder's probe bumps into an elm tree on Mars.
The pictures from Mars so far look like northern Arizona near Holbrook -- lots of empty sky, red dirt and rocks, along with a meteorite crater.
So if Arizona gets its promotional act together, we'll
soon see advertisements: We've got more, plenty more,
than saguaro and the Grand Canyon. We've got an
extraterrestrial landscape -- the Mars of North America.
Why settle for a few rumors in Roswell, New Mexico, when
you can step out into the vast expanses of the Red Planet
and experience a whole 'nother world?
Nearby states, fearful of losing tourist dollars, will have to respond, lest they fall behind in this important economic battle.
Utah can counter with Zion on Earth! That's right,
this is the place. Don't settle for mere planetoid
resemblance when you can approach the supernal and
eternal.
New Mexico will need some time to recharge after the
successful Roswell festivities in honor of the 50th
anniversary of a mysterious aircraft crash, but the Land of
Enchantment has always been able to hold its own in these
matters, and I'm sure the propaganda will appear: When
visitors come to earth, their first stop is New Mexico.
What do they know that you don't? And why does the
government keep covering this up? Don't you owe it to
yourself to make a personal visit and find out?
But what can Colorado do? After all, our state now ranks dead last in tourist-promotion spending, which means we're hemorrhaging potential visitors to these ruthless competitors. The results could be dire -- fish in our rivers, campgrounds with sites that haven't been reserved yet, trails that offer peace and solitude, open highways without those cavalcades of conspicuous consumption (such as a pickup towing a fifth-wheel house trailer towing a boat, or a land yacht towing a Jeep with a boat on top).
Nobody important wants us to suffer those terrible consequences, so somebody has to step in. But who?
Evidence gathered so far by Pathfinder indicates that Mars once had vast amounts of flowing water, a great network of rivers and lakes, now for some reason vanished, leaving behind a few dry canyons and a desolated, abandoned landscape.
In other words, the Denver Water Board could point to
Mars and say, with all manner of genuine scientific
evidence to support its claim, We were there
first.
< PREVIOUS ] [ 1997 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >