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Debauchery sure has been in the news lately, to such an
extent that even I, once the weekend manager of a porn
theater, want to avert my delicate eyes and ears and focus
on more wholesome material -- the collected works of the
Marquis de Sade, a Frank Harris anthology, or the Song
of Solomon
in the Bible.
However, journalistic duty compelled me to pursue the story, so I called my favorite inside source, a retired colonel named Ananias Ziegler who serves as media relations director for the Committee That Really Runs America.
Tough times for you guys out in Colorado,
Ziegler
consoled. Your team finally wins the Super Bowl, and
while you're still hung over, your governor's affectionate
relationship with a woman who used to be on his staff turns
into a tale of surveillance, hidden cameras, evasions --
peels the luster right off that trophy, doesn't it?
I suppose Romer had to expect that,
I replied,
after he became a national figure by agreeing to be
chairman of the Democratic National Committee.
Ziegler chuckled. Romer should have known better.
Colorado politicians never manage the transition to
national status. Just look at Pat Schroeder, Bill
Armstrong, Gary Hart, Dick Lamm -- they all get mentioned
as presidential or vice-presidential material, but that's
about as far as it goes.
Hart went quit a bit further than that.
As a
patriotic Coloradan, I stuck up for my native state.
Ziegler guffawed. Yeah, you could say that. In
fact, you could say that Hart is the most influential
candidate of modern times -- he and his trip with Donna
Rice on the 'Monkey Business' set the tone for political
coverage ever afterward.
But why is that?
I asked. Why don't
politicians ever just say 'This is none of your business,'
and move on? Why do they issue denials, which inspire
investigations and surveillance and taping and turn it into
a major news event?
Beats me,
Ziegler said. But keep in mind that
at the Committee, we can always find somebody who will trot
out the reasons why a politician's dalliances are public
business.
And who might one of those somebodies be?
I
eagerly wondered.
I won't name any names,
Ziegler grunted to my
disappointment. But we can always get our lackies to
say that the public has a right to know because an affair
could compromise national security, or because fidelity to
wedding vows might bear some relationship to allegiance to
an oath of office, or because a candidate who will lie
about one matter can't be trusted to tell the truth about
other matters.
The best one,
he continued, is that question
of 'How can we have a president or governor or senator who
sets such a poor example for our children?' You ever
notice that always comes from the same people who are
always denouncing all politicians? It isn't like they ever
held politicians up to their children as role models. In
fact, they'd probably charge you with child abuse if you
did.
Despite Ziegler's attempts to divert me, I pressed on.
But why is all of this coming up now?
Ziegler sighed. Okay, look at Romer. Is his
relationship with B.J. Throneberry going to have any effect
on your life in Colorado?
I couldn't think of any way it might, other than providing fodder for gossip.
Now consider Romer's relationship with, say, Patrick
Bowlen, owner of the Denver Broncos.
I saw his point. The governor jumped right on the
bandwagon to support a new stadium -- one that could raise
taxes for a lot of Coloradans, just so there will be more
profitable skyboxes for the elite.
Precisely,
Ziegler agreed. But who's going to
look at that when all the attention is on grainy
surveillance photos of two people perhaps necking in parked
car? Now ponder your governor's relationship with Phil
Anschutz.
My stomach churned, as it does whenever that matter
comes up. Romer called Anschutz his good friend, once.
And despite every indication that the merger between
Anschutz's Southern Pacific Railroad and the Union Pacific
Railroad would be a disaster for transportation in
Colorado, Romer supported it.
It was a disaster for the national transportation
system,
Ziegler pointed out. According to Monday's
Wall Street Journal, some heavy hitters are going to ask
the federal government to undo the merger soon.
I'd seen the story. But that's about the only place
you see anything about it. Here we have a great story --
boughten Congress, rail gridlock costing millions of
dollars every day, Anschutz coming out $2 billion or so
ahead while coal miners are out of work. It should be on
the networks every night, and instead, all we get are
presidential peccadilloes and Romer's roaming
romance.
Ziegler agreed. You're right. People should be
paying attention to corporate plunder. But they're not --
and maybe you're catching on to why we're called the
Committee That Really Runs America.
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