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Our legislators have been in session for more than a month now, and despite probable good intentions, they appear to have missed some of the more pressing current needs. All manner of issues have emerged recently, and the General Assembly clearly needs to enact some of these bills:
· Controlled Gaseous Substance Abuse Prevention
Act. Recently I read about an oxygen bar
which
opened late last year in Crested Butte. For a suitable
fee, patrons could rent a mask attached to a tank, and
inhale deeply for a few minutes, presumably energizing
themselves in the process.
Then I learned that the atmospheric tavern closed early
this year, partially on account of regulatory problems -- a
licensed oxygen supplier explained to me that the federal
government regulates oxygen as a drug.
Granted, I had always thought of oxygen as a
necessity
rather than as a drug,
and I had
carelessly assumed that our governments would allow us to
breathe it freely.
But I was ignorant, and anyone who looks around will see frightening amounts of oxygen use in broad daylight: aerobic exercise salons, joggers who not only inhale but inhale deeply, sports heroes setting bad examples for our impressionable children by breathing deeply -- on television, at that.
Some scientists have solid proof that every felon now in the penitentiary began his criminal career by inhaling oxygen, and further, every one was under its pernicious influence when he committed his crimes.
With Colorado's mean elevation of 6,300 feet, oxygen abuse is certainly not as common here as in other states. This means the legislature must act now, before this scourge makes further inroads into hypoxic Colorado. A Colorado Oxygen Enforcement Administration, with powers to kick down doors to see whether oxygen use is occurring inside, would put our state in the forefront of the fight against this widespread drug.
· Protection Against Lying Adulterers. Recently I have seen much correspondence from people who say it matters a great deal whether public officials violate their marriage vows and then offer misleading statements when pressed about the matter.
Naively, I had thought such statements were covered
under discretion,
or gentlemanly conduct,
but
apparently I was wrong. We need protection, and at a local
level more than at a federal level.
Why? The argument goes that if, for example, Bill Clinton lies to the public about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky, then it follows that he would lie to the public about something that mattered.
What Bill Clinton does or doesn't say generally has little effect on our daily lives.
Suppose, though, that the guy who fixes your car was an adulterer who had lied about it. Could you then trust him to tell you honestly that he had repaired your brakes? This isn't mere politics; it's a matter of life and death.
And how could we even know that he was one of these lying adulterers from whom we must be protected? (In a small town, you probably would know, but most Coloradans live in metropolitan zones and thus need the protection.)
The legislature could start by repenalizing adultery. Our county judge told me that it is defined in the statutes, but had carried no penalty for the past 25 years, and thus prosecutors don't bother to pursue it and get convictions.
Once there's a meaningful deterrent in place, then
Colorado police can launch extensive investigations,
leading to spicy trials (She told you that it was just a
business trip, and nothing happened?
Yes, and I have
it on tape.
), and we'll get some protection from these
prevaricating philanderers.
· Outlaw Snowboarding. Yes, I know it's a growing sport, and important to Colorado's winter economy. My own children have practiced it.
But if a boarder can win an Olympic gold medal with cannabis metabolites in his bloodstream, it sets a horrible example to our youth. After years of DARE sessions, they might wonder how anybody could have accomplished anything under these circumstances, and the children could begin to ask obnoxious questions.
Any sport that leads to those problems is obviously a sport we don't need -- we've got to protect our children, don't we?
Rather than protect the public, though, our legislature has contented itself with a fight with the CU Health Sciences Center and an extension of the General Millionaire Subsidy.
We can do better than that, can't we?
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