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Last week, Colorado was blessed by a visit from the richest man in the world, Bill Gates of MicroSoft, who announced that he would not rest until every home in America holds one or more computers, all of them using MicroSoft products, of course.
And so we now take you to a middle-class American home inhabited by a small family in the near future. The children are quietly sleeping. The woman is watching TV, as an item on the late news caught her eye and she wanted more information before going to bed. The man is in a back room, finishing the installation of the latest MicroSoft operating system on his computer.
Welcome to Home2001,
the computer announces; only
a talented ear can detect that the voice is
synthesized.
Excuse me,
the user mutters. I thought I was
installing Windows-Zero-One. What's this Home
stuff?
The newest Windows operating system,
the computer
announces, in both voice and text, has been renamed
because we no longer do only Windows. We handle all
aspects of your environment. Now I'm going to scan your
domestic habitat.
The little hourglass revolves on the screen in silence,
soon punctuated by some sharp, almost panicked, tones from
the living room. Honey, I was watching CNN, and
suddenly the TV switched to another channel, and I can't
get it to switch back to CNN. Can you take a look at
it?
He grudgingly rolls the chair back, but halts when the
message flashes on his screen: Video receiver module was
connected to incompatible news channel. Module now aligned
for permanent MSNBC connection. Please do not attempt to
adjust the module.
He goes out to the living room. Dear, it looks like
the computer has taken over the TV, and if you're going to
watch any round-the-clock news, it's got to be on MSNBC,
not CNN or Fox.
Doesn't the MS in MSNBC stand for MicroSoft?
she
asks. And aren't you installing something from
MicroSoft?
I guess so, I never thought much about it,
he
replies, returning to his computer. There he sees a long
list of messages from the local network system
initialization scan, and begins to scroll through the
list.
Copy of Netscape Navigator found corrupting system
resources. It will be removed unless you type your
password backward six times in the next four seconds.
WARNING: Failure to remove Netscape products indicates a
probable loyalty or drug problem, and you will be reported
to the appropriate authorities.
Well, he wasn't around to preserve Netscape, so he's
safe there. And with every release of Windows, it had
become harder and harder to use Netscape anyway, even
though he liked it better than Internet Explorer. Next
message in the queue: Warning: Non-Microsoft Operating
System discovered on local network module.
He scratches his head, then realizes that their daughter had been experimenting with the shareware Linux operating system on her machine -- which he thought had been turned off. He hits the Help button.
If you wish a multi-tasking networked operating
system, you must install MicroSoft HomeOffice NT 6.3,
available for only $395 plus shipping and handling. The
Linux node has been terminated.
He hears a sizzle from upstairs and smells something
like smoke, and looks for more on-line help. For more
information about this topic, you can either purchase the
reference book MicroSoft Uber Alles with accompany CD-ROM
and training video from MicroSoft Press for $89.95 plus
shipping and handling, or call our special 1-900 technical
support number. The first minute is $10.95 and additional
minutes are only $8.95. Press any key or mouse button to
initiate call now.
Panicking on account of what this could do to the family finances, he backs away from the computer. The house is silent, except for footsteps disappearing up the stairs. The TV is off. He scratches his head, wondering if the computer will notice if he lunges for the power cord.
Honey, why don't you knock it off for the night and
come to bed with me?
he hears from upstairs.
The computer screen changes. Attention User: Do not
terminate installation system scan before completion.
Press any key to continue. 1:48 estimated until task
accomplished.
He presses the key, to see a message announcing new
components of Home2001: MicroSoft ForePlay and the
MicroSoft Intimate Connection. With these new features,
you will no longer need to take precious time away from
your console, and your productivity will soar. Press any
key to initiate.
He races to the breaker box and starts toggling big switches. Forget living without computers in the house; he's going to try it without electricity.
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