< PREVIOUS ] [ 1998 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >
For the past few days, the press has been giddy with accounts of the $48 billion merger between Telecommunications International, the cable monopoly we love to hate, and American Telephone & Telegraph, the long-distance portion of the phone monopoly we loved to hate until it was broken up in 1983.
Most of the coverage has focused on AT&T's possible
solution to its last mile
problem with its
acquisition of TCI.
As anyone who answers the phone during family dinner hour knows, long-distance service is competitive these days, and local telephone service, like that provided by US West in much of Colorado, is supposed to become competitive, too.
But local service hasn't become competitive in most places because a competitor would have to lay new wires and build an exchange in a given town, or lease that capacity from the existing local carrier, who for some reason isn't in any hurry to make life easier for a competitor.
Coaxial cable is not limited to lurid afternoon talk
shows, trash sports and breathless helicopter accounts of
auto chases -- it can carry all manner of signals,
including the stuff that goes over phone lines, and cable
has a much higher capacity (bandwidth
) than the
copper phone line.
So, if a long-distance telephone company could make arrangements with the local cable monopoly, then in theory anyway, the cable could be your tap into the telephone network, and you could get anything from Internet access to a remote sporting event just by clicking your remote control.
Much of this was explained in the accounts of the merger, but so far, I haven't seen much explanation of what might happen to us mere consumers once this relationship is consummated. And so, I'm forced to speculate:
Good afternoon from American Cable, Telephone &
Telegraph International. How may I direct your
call?
Am I talking to a human yet?
Yes, you are. Now, how may I direct your
call?
Anywhere but where I've just been -- constant busy
signals, voice mail from hell, eternal holds with bad
music, sudden disconnections.
I'm sorry to hear that, sir, but since the merger
we've been using the cable company's consumer-relations
department.
It figures. Anyway, I've got a problem with my bill.
My service was out for several days last month, and I'd
like a rebate for that portion.
We are also now following the cable company's policy
for residential service rebates.
Which is?
To put it bluntly, sir, people in hell want ice
water.
I see. Well, I've got other problems. I haven't
been able to call Atlanta all last month.
But you have been able to call New York, haven't
you?
Let me think. Yeah, that went through just
fine.
Sir, I don't think I'm supposed to be telling you
this, but Rupert Murdoch just paid us $10 per customer to
block all calls to Atlanta because that's the headquarters
of Cable News Network, which is too liberal, and to route
pertinent calls to New York and his Fox News
headquarters.
I really resent that. I'm a paying customer, not
some marketing statistic to be delivered to the highest
bidder.
Sir, I don't think you understand modern corporate
America if you persist in such naive notions. Now, let me
check your account status, sir. Do you recall whether
you're on the Night & Weekend Nickel-A-Minute Plan, the
Extended Bandwidth Premium Plus Program, or the One Rate
All the Time Except When We Feel Like Charging You
Something Else?
I think it's the one you were advertising on TV a
couple months ago -- come to think of it, though, I haven't
seen any other phone company ads on TV lately,
though.
Well, sir, that's the result of something called
'synergy,' and it explains why we're the darling of Wall
Street at the moment. And I see here that you're just a
plain old customer, not in any of our special programs.
Could I interest you in one?
Hmmm. I probably should so something, but I'd like
to check around a little first, see what the competition is
up to.
Where you live, sir, the only other option is the
Engulf & Devour Communications Group, an alliance
formed by Microsoft, Qwest and USWest.
That's very helpful of you to mention the
competition, but why are you telling me this?
Because they make us look really good by
comparison.
< PREVIOUS ] [ 1998 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >