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Both major parties are offering hot primaries to determine their candidates for governor in the November election, but like many negligent Coloradans, I've paid too much attention to the developments in Washington.
Someday, perhaps, I will understand how testimony in a deposition concerning a sexual-harrassment case that was thrown out of court (the current buzz topic in Washington) bears any connection to the financing of land development schemes in Arkansas a decade ago (what the special prosecutor was supposed to be investigating).
What happens next? Monica Lewinsky will testify, contrary to her previous statements under oath, that she had some form of sex with Bill Clinton. Clinton will testify that the young woman has an active fantasy life, and that nothing happened between them.
The Republican Congress, many of them people who campaigned on their steadfast allegiance to etenral principle, will carefully check the polls to determine a response.
I, for one, fervently hope they launch impeachment proceedings -- while they're grandstanding and gaining hours of television exposure, they won't be building more prisons, finding new groups to hate or raiding the public treasury for the benefit of their campaign contributors.
Much the same will hold for Clinton -- if he's busy dissembling for the House Judiciary Committee, it's unlikely he will find time to promote censorship, escalate the War on Drugs or set federal standards for school uniforms.
Every normal citizen in our great Republic would benefit and prosper from an intense and protracted impeachment proceeding, and the sooner our representatives get started, the better.
Alas, nothing half so potentially beneficial appears to be developing in Colorado.
Perhaps that's because the candidates haven't addressed some of the real issues that concern us Coloradans when we discuss our state government over morning coffee. In the spirit of bi-partisan public service, I offer these suggested campaign issues to all prospective governors:
· Ban Voice Mail. I've lost count of how many
times I've heard someone say I tried to call the State
Department of Obfuscation, and I didn't know the extension
number of the person I needed to talk to, and I got about
four deep into the Press Three If You're Perplexed, and I
finally just gave up after running up a monster
long-distance bill.
Granted, computers with synthesized voices are cheaper than people, but our state government is running at a surplus, so it appears that we could afford to pay people to answer the phone.
An ideal state policy would ban these systems in all offices of the state and its political subdivisions -- Park County's is notorious in this neck of the woods.
Private businesses would be free to continue these abominations, of course, but not if they wanted any state business.
· Franchise Presence. Utility companies operate under local franchises that allow them to lay their pipes and cables in public rights-of-way.
Fair enough, but local governments should have the right
to tell a company that if you want to do business in our
town, you've got to have an office in our town, with a
manager who can make decisions.
This shouldn't be that difficult, since the companies knew how to do this 20 years ago. When I moved here, the phone company had an office and a local manager. So did the electric monopoly, the gas company, etc.
Now the offices are closed. Service consists of mailing checks to Texas and dealing with 800-number voice-mail-tree clerks in an unknown location. And if this saves money, why hasn't it shown up as reduced rates?
If our money is of value to these companies, then our communities ought to be worthy of their presence.
· Non-Specific Congestion Protection. A ballot battle looms. Plains residents want their air and water protected from factory hog-raising operations.
The pork producers say it isn't fair to single out one species. Although I hesitate to admit it, they're right.
All Coloradans should enjoy full protection of their air, water, highways, open space, rights, communities and institutions from unnatural congregations of any species, not just four-legged swine -- Emigrant Californians, People of Money, Urban Water Diverters, 35-Acre Parcel Buyers, Upscale Gated Development Proponents, Pork-Barrel Water Project Advocates, Subsidized Big Box Retailers and Billionaire Railroad Looters, just to name a few of these threats.
If some candidate will just bring these matters up during the waning days of the primary campaign, I feel confident that we'll start paying attention. Until then, distant Washington will occupy our thoughts.
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