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The phrase compassionate conservative
keeps
popping up, and since I'm an open-minded sort who believes
in cultural diversity, I started looking for one so that I
could understand this new force in American politics.
Although Salida is a small town, its residents provide a wide range of political thought: Greens, Libertarians, socialists, anarchists, Wobblies, theocrats and, yes, quite a few conservatives. But among them, the only compassion I heard was for Bill Gates, who has been so oppressed by the evil Clinton Justice Department that his net worth rose by only $40 billion last year.
That wasn't quite what I had in mind, so I settled on a
Generic American Conservative
and asked him a few
questions, in the hope of broadening my narrow mind.
Q. Why do you promote public prayer in classrooms?
A. Because our nation was founded on Christian principles.
Q. But Christians are supposed to follow the precepts of
Jesus, and he said When thou prayest, enter into thy
closet, and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father
which is in secret.
How could organized public prayer
possibly be in accordance with these teachings?
A. We need to do something about our terrible public schools. We should require that the Ten Commandments be posted in every classroom in America.
Q. Even if that were constitutional, shouldn't it be a decision by the local school board? I thought conservatives believed in local control of education, rather than federal dictates from distant Washington.
A. I think you're trying to change the subject. The issue is the Ten Commandments and what you egg-sucking liberals have against them.
Q. Wouldn't our economy collapse if everybody quit coveting -- wanting things that they don't have?
A. That depends on how you define covet,
I
suppose.
Q. Isn't that a Clintonesque weasel response?
A. Quit trying to change the subject. Look at our schools. Standards have totally fallen by the wayside, and this is now affecting our once-great universities. For instance, many of them have had to drop their foreign-language requirements because our public schools have been so dumbed-down.
Q. So you support the teaching of foreign languages? And wouldn't it be best to do this in elementary school, when it's easiest for children to learn a new language?
A. Wait a minute. You're trying to set me up to come out in favor of bilingual education, which is a liberal plot to destroy American unity, and you're not going to take me there. All I'm saying is that we need to raise our standards and return our schools to their proper role as academic institutions.
Q. I'm glad to hear that. It really me that the highest-paid person on the state payroll is the football coach at the University of Colorado. If we return to the traditional academic emphasis you support, then academic professors will be paid more, and the football program would be eliminated, right?
A. Don't put words in mouth. I didn't say any such thing. I'm trying to tell you that we need to restore the freedoms that made America great.
Q. The traditional liberties that our forefathers enjoyed, right?
A. Of course. As Jefferson put it, the government that governs best is the government that governs least.
Q. Then why could George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grow hemp, and yet if I have the wrong plants in my garden, government agents can come by, shoot my dog, tear up my house and seize my property? Surely you must oppose this form of big government and its intrusions onto private properties and liberties.
A. Sometimes the good of society requires limitations on individual liberties.
Q. But don't liberals say the same thing when they support gun control, or land-use planning, or mass-transit?
A. You have to realize that there's a difference between the good of society, which is a benefit to all, and the pernicious methods of social-engineering employed by liberals.
Q. I'm not sure I understand the difference. Is it social-engineering to zone for denser development and to build mass-transit?
A. Of course.
Q. But it's not social engineering to zone for big lots served by expanded freeways?
A. No, of course it's not. That's a result of the wisdom of the free market.
Q. And how can we outsiders tell the difference?
A. Because the real-estate developers and highway builders make campaign contributions to our candidates. Where did you think that market was?
I was supposed to be the one asking the questions, so I broke it off there, and I remain confused about the tenets of modern American conservatism. Perhaps someday soon, a conservative of the compassionate persuasion will come along and patiently explain it all to me.
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