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Time was, just having Mother's Day was sufficient for
the second Sunday in May, but this year we've also got the
Million Mom March and the Second Amendment Sisterhood,
agitating on various sides of the gun issue.
The
major-league pundits warn us that guns will be a decisive
and divisive topic this November, since it pits two major
voting blocs against each other: Bubba vs. Soccer Mom.
While I'd probably make time to watch that one if the
World Wrestling Federation would broadcast it -- Look,
she's trying to ram his beater pickup with her shiny spewt,
and she's going for the vulnerable door and dodging his big
channel-iron bumpers. Wait, he slipped that hold, and now
he's reaching for a jack handle, bet he's gonna whale on
her fenders. No, he won't get there in time, she's already
got her cell phone out
-- it's a lot more confusing
when it plays out in the political arena.
So as I often do when I'm confused, I called my favorite inside source, Ananias Ziegler, the media-relations director of the Committee That Really Runs America. Ziegler said it was a good thing I hadn't tried to call earlier, since they'd been busy on the McCain Containment Project.
I think we've got that one nailed down now,
though,
he said, sounding relieved. You got any
idea how hard it is to insure that the right person gets
the nomination when we've got all these primaries and polls
that give mere citizens a voice in selecting the Republican
candidate?
I agreed that it must have been tough -- things like candor, courage and a sense of humor in one candidate often make it difficult for people to do what they're supposed to do and support the anointed candidate, who to his credit did display enough courage to stand on a public platform with Dan Quayle.
Before I could change the topic myself, Ziegler got down to the business of this call.
This may come as a surprise to you, Quillen, but the
Committee has no position or agenda on gun control.
I pressed for details.
Remember, I can't give you any names here, since the
Committee's membership is so secret that even Microsoft
doesn't know who belongs. But one of our liberal members
said he was truly torn.
It surprised me that anyone would admit he was a liberal these days, especially to the Committee, but Ziegler said that since the meetings are closed, members can talk freely, even about embarrassing things.
Anyway,
he continued, this liberal member said
many of his constituents really wanted more gun control,
especially on carrying weapons around. But on the other
hand, well, he confessed that Eleanor Roosevelt was one of
his idols, and for years she never went anywhere without a
pistol in her purse. If it's good enough for the First
Lady, why not for every citizen?
A fair point, I agreed, and then pushed on to ask about the dominant conservatives on the Committee.
You've got to realize that `Conservative' is just a
buzzword in modern America,
he explained. It
doesn't specify anything. Basically, you can divide
so-called conservatives into two philosophies:
authoritarian and libertarian.
He went on to point out that the libertarian
conservatives -- believers in individual rights and limited
government -- were not represented on the Committee, for
obvious reasons. People who truly believe stuff like
that are not allowed to hold any responsible position in
this country,
he noted.
As for the others, he said Some authoritarian
conservatives support gun control because they believe a
disarmed population is easier to control.
But they'd never say that in public, would they?
Of course not,
Ziegler agreed. Recall that
Committee meetings are secret. No, in public they say
things like 'We must keep guns out of the wrong hands,' and
their long-term strategy is to keep expanding the
definition of 'wrong hands' so that only cops will have
guns.
What about their short-term strategy for maintaining control?
Oh, that's working quite well,
Ziegler said.
The more guns there on the street, the more that
minority groups shoot each other, and the more excuses that
cops have to kill freely on the grounds they believed that
the suspect was reaching for a gun. The whole thing works
pretty well to keep the right people in power, and that's
what the Committee is all about.
This was getting real confusing. You mean that the
Committee wants a lot of guns out on the street at the
moment because that will enhance the Committee's authority,
but in the long term, the Committee wants a docile
population incapable of resisting authority?
Ziegler sighed. As I told you, Quillen, we haven't
reached any agreement on what we want here. That just
seems to be the way things are working. Despite what you
might think, we can't control everything.
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