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Our legislature convened last week, and despite the intervening election that put Democrats in control of the state senate for the first time since Jacqueline Kennedy was First Lady, it appears that this will be one of those sessions devoted to resolving some issues that came up during the last session.
With that in mind, and with Speaker Doug Dean leading the way in the GOP-controlled House of Representatives, we can look forward to lively and spirited debate on some of these bills:
· Official English Definition & Enforcement Act of 2001. Establishes certain locutions as Official Colorado English, and provides that violators shall be subject to fine and imprisonment.
Among the forbidden usages are Estate Tax
instead
of the proper Death Tax,
and Public Schools
rather than the acceptable Government Schools.
The proposed bill also declares the proper adjectival
form of the D-word
that means liberal socialist
who supports radical things like death taxes and government
schools,
and provides an example. It would be illegal
to say she worked for a Democratic committee,
but
she worked for a Democrat committee
would be
acceptable.
It also repeals any and all grammatical laws requiring subject-verb agreement, just in case George W. Bush wants to make a speech in Colorado.
· Powder Reputation Protection. Some years ago, after the Alar apple scare, the legislature considered a law that would make it illegal to disparage produce. A similar law was at the heart of the famous Texas cattlemen's lawsuit against Oprah Winfrey after she heard about how Mad Cow Disease is transmitted by forced bovine cannibalism and announced she was giving up hamburgers.
Now the ski industry wants similar protection from the devastating slanders that often get circulated by people who don't understand the hardship that an ill-chosen truthful phrase can cause.
It would be illegal to say icy
or slushy
in reference to the stuff on slopes in March and April,
although the current euphemism of spring conditions
would continue to be allowed.
Phrases like get out your rock skis
or only 35
percent of the trails are open,
would be forbidden, to
be replaced by challenging conditions
and the
complex process of choosing lifts and trails has been
greatly simplified.
Also note that when it really does snow a lot and the
fresh powder is a yard deep and getting deeper by the
minute, broadcasters will required to say looks like a
good day to drive up to the mountains and go skiing,
even when visibility is zero and 49 cars have piled into a
jack-knifed semi on Floyd Hill.
· Telepredator Sanctuary Declaration. There have been some suggestions that Colorado citizens have some sort of right to enjoy evenings at home without being disturbed by solicitations for aluminum siding, health insurance, resort real-estate or daily newspapers.
To counter those pernicious notions, industry lobbyists have arranged for this bill to be introduced later in the session.
This would make it a second-class misdemeanor to hang up on an unsolicited solicitation after less than three minutes, or to refuse to respond to the caller's questions.
Further, any disrespectful statements to the caller like
Could I have your home number?
or ... and the
horse you rode in on
would be classified as hate
speech
that would create a civil liability if it caused
the caller to lose self-esteem.
Granted, I haven't actually seen any of these bills, or
any of the others I suspect are in the works (Declaration
that the prairie dog
will henceforth be known as the
sage rat,
the Developers & Speculators Bill of
Rights, a sales-tax exemption for anyone with a net income
of more than $1 million per year to encourage the right
sort of people to locate in Colorado), but I have an
unshakable faith in the General Assembly, no matter which
party is in control.
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