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Last spring I was invited to a meeting of the Ursine Liberation Front, which I duly reported. As you may recall, it was a disorganized and rambling session because the bears were drowsy, having just emerged from hibernation.
This time, they were bright-eyed as they convened in a
grove of scrub oak somewhere between Cleora and Guffey --
not only am I sworn to secrecy about the exact site, but
since I was led there at night by our 12-year-old dog, a
chow mix who has gained honorary bear
status on
account of her appearance, I couldn't find the place again
even if you offered me the entire contents of our
governor's garden.
The Revolutionary Vanguard Council of the ULF gave me a
warm welcome, which made me suspect that they wanted
something. This was confirmed when Subcommander Oso, a
sleek boar, opened the meeting. Mr. Quillen, we
understand that you are a free-lance writer, and we would
like to engage your services.
Before bringing up the important thing in these arrangements, money, I asked what they had in mind.
Despite the Bear Awareness Week you Coloradans
observed in May, our viewpoint is still being marginalized.
Nobody's hearing our side of the story. We'd like you to
help us with our public relations.
One trick for jacking up your fee is to point out the
difficulties of the proposed job. That won't be
easy,
I pointed out. American adults grew up during
the Cold War, when Russia was the enemy, and the Evil
Empire was always symbolized by a bear. It will take a lot
of work to undo half a century of propaganda.
A stately sow, apparently known only as Mama
Bear,
took issue. Just about every child in America
grows up with a Teddy Bear,
she said, and certainly
you could build on that favorable brand image.
But Teddy Bears got their names from President Theodore Roosevelt, and he's politically out of favor.
How can you say that?
The question came from a
chubby fellow named Winnie. Wasn't this Roosevelt
fellow a Republican? And don't Republicans pretty much run
your government these days?
This was going to be tough. I noted that T.R. delighted
in being called a trust-buster
and opposed
monopolies, unlike modern Republicans who defend Microsoft.
T.R. believed in protecting public resources, not in
exploiting them. And there was John McCain, a Republican
presidential candidate last year who said T.R. was his role
model -- he got destroyed by the Religious Right.
The Religious Right should support the ULF,
Mama
said. Before I could ask why, she explained. They
believe in disciplining children, don't they? And in the
Bible, doesn't it say that two she-bears mauled 42 mouthy
little brats for making fun of Elijah because he was bald?
So shouldn't they cherish us bears because we can carry out
divine missions?
For some reason, I didn't see much promise in that approach, so I suggested we move on, and find some PR angle that would work, like drawing up a list of non-negotiable demands and calling a press conference.
One thing we need to demand is fair trials,
the
Subcommander said. About a month ago, my cousin
Paddington got executed for an assault he didn't commit
over by Poncha Springs. They caught the bruin that really
did it a few days later.
Can't we make an issue out of that?
Mama
interjected.
Not in this country. Nobody that matters seems to care that much if the wrong humans end up on death row, let alone bears. They needed to find another angle.
We keep trying to persuade the problem humans to
relocate to where they won't bother us,
Pooh began.
He may have had more to say, but a latecomer shuffled into the oak grove. His jerky and labored movements betrayed his advanced age, as did the gray around his muzzle. I thought he might be a respected elder, but instead Mama was ferocious when she turned to him.
Smokey, you're not welcome here. You betrayed us
years ago when you went over to the other side. We thought
you were going to stand up for us, and instead, you put on
those stupid overalls and started parroting all that
prattle about drowning campfires.
She was soon joined by a chorus of angry bears, but eventually they ran out of mean things to growl, and Smokey got his chance.
You don't need this human,
he said, nodding at
me. After all, I've run the best PR campaign in
history. And because people have been so good at
preventing forest fires, our forests have been building up
big fuel loads, so they really burn in dry years.
Oso caught his drift immediately. So you're really
causing bigger fires, and those major fires are better than
we are at driving the invaders out of our habitat?
Smokey just nodded. While they congratulated him for staying true to his own kind, I crept away. They didn't need me now.
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