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Perhaps the safest way to predict what will happen in 2003 is to apply an old Russian saying: This will be an average year -- worse than last year, but better than the next.
That's a depressing thought, though, since there aren't many people, especially in Colorado, who can say they were better off now than they were a year ago, what with drought and fire, declining markets, corporate fraud, big-time bankruptcies, war preparations, continued erosions of our civil rights and liberties -- the dreary list could continue for pages.
In other words, it's hard to imagine any reasonable way that 2003 could be worse than 2002, but such an outcome is entirely possible.
With that observation in mind, I have reverently placed my fingers over the magic Qwerty board and gazed intently into the crystal display, hoping for a revelation about this new year. The cosmic powers, channeled through a tiny crystal that is vibrating millions of times each second, transmit slowly at first. But soon their messages become manifest and the predictions are in place.
On the international level, the possibility of war with
Iraq will persist through the year as the United States
continues a regional military build-up and the Bush
administration calls for a regime change.
No invasion will be launched, however, since administration pollsters have discovered that a continued build-up results in a high presidential approval rating, whereas an actual shooting war would hurt the numbers. Speaking off the record, administration officials will point out that Americans are nostalgic for the Cold War, and this will be the next best thing.
Meanwhile, North Korea will conduct a successful test of a nuclear weapon, and will amass infantry and armor pointed at Seoul, the capital of South Korea. The Bush administration will explain that no military response is desirable or necessary, since this issue can be resolved through diplomacy.
On the national front, congressional Republicans will move to implement a ban on abortion, thanks to the little-noticed Fetal Protection Administration that was tucked into an appropriation bill related to the new Department of Homeland Security.
Not only will the FPA monitor abortion clinics, but it will operate a nationwide tip line so that Americans can report female neighbors who engaged in suspicious activities, like riding horseback or driving on back roads while pregnant.
We're hoping that we will be able to identify and
investigate all questionable terminations,
a
congressional aide explained, speaking on condition of
anonymity. And of course, those who have done nothing
wrong will have nothing to fear. As for the others, well,
in time we should be able to apply capital punishment,
which should work as a deterrent to teach Americans to
respect life.
And in Colorado, with our legislature about to convene, we will see a wide variety of water-related bills. These will range from more money for Big Straw studies to a ban on using railroad tank cars to import water from Nebraska, imposed at the behest of the trucking lobby.
Among these proposed bills, the one with the greatest chance of passage will be the Developers & Subdividers Water Supply Protection Act.
It will impose severe water rationing on all current residents of Colorado -- not only will all exterior watering be banned, but local police will be empowered to conduct inspections without a warrant for such purposes as monitoring toilet flushes and checking dishwashers to insure they're running with a full load.
The water thereby saved will be used to supply new real-estate developments, which might have otherwise stalled for lack of water supply.
While there will be some complaints, the proponents of the Act will point out that this minor sacrifice will save thousands of jobs in finance, real-estate, construction and the like.
Through one of his elected Republican mouthpieces, Dick
Wadhams will explain that It's an American tradition
that we pull together to help each other out during tough
times, and only selfish, obstinate liberals would dare
argue that Colorado's first duty is to those who already
live here, rather than those who might move here.
After all, this is much the same as our current
widespread practice of taxing existing businesses in order
to finance tax abatements and other incentives for new
businesses to move in here. In this case, we're doing it
with water, rather than money, but it's just a continuation
of those policies that have made Colorado what it is
today.
At that point, before learning what my local governments planned to do in 2003, I disconnected from the cosmic enlightenment. After all, there's only so much anybody can take, and still want to get up in the morning to face yet another average year.
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