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Our governor has been whining lately about the
composition of political-science faculties at Colorado
colleges and universities. As he told a radio talk-show
host recently, It's impossible to find a Republican on a
political science faculty virtually anywhere in the state
of Colorado,
leading him to ask how students could
learn to think for themselves when you have 30 or 40
professors on a political science faculty and every one of
them is either a Democrat or further left, a Ralph
Nader?
Unlike Bill Owens, I went to college in Colorado, and
actually passed a political-science course. In my days at
the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley (off and on
from 1968 to 1974), journalism students were required to
take a political-science class called State and Local
Government.
It wasn't exciting, but it was a good course for students who might go on to toil at small-town newspapers. We learned that towns had boards of trustees, but cities had city councils, and both had mayors. We learned the difference between statutory and home-rule cities, and how special districts work. We got tested on strong mayors and weak mayors and city managers, and studied the responsibilities of various county officials like clerks, commissioners and assessors.
In other words, it was pragmatic nuts-and-bolts stuff, and about as partisan as the second law of thermodynamics. Nonetheless, my impressionable young mind might have been poisoned by some Democrat or Naderite on the faculty, and so I began speculating about the possibility of re-education.
Given that there are tenure laws and budgetary constraints at existing institutions, it appears that the best solution would be a new school, the Colorado Republican Academy of Political Science. Its catalog could offer courses like these:
PERCEPTUAL GEOGRAPHY 103. The instructor, Rep. Scott McInnis of Grand Junction, will explain how he adjusts his description of the Front Range to fit the circumstances. For example, if a representative from the First District proposes some of the instructor's Third District for wilderness designation, then the Front Range is an evil invader that must be repelled. If, however, a resident of the First District contributes to the instructor's campaign fund for the Third District seat, then the Front Range influence is merely a benign expression of interest in good government.
VALUES OBFUSCATION 172. Team-taught by a variety of
Colorado Republican office-holders, this course will cover
the magician's art of misdirection as applied to political
races. Essentially, the trick is to get people to focus on
electing candidates who share your values,
so that
they don't notice that they're also electing candidates who
want to use their tax money to subsidize the projects of
their wealthy supporters.
PUBLIC FINANCE 224. Taught by Gov. Bill Owens, with
possible assistance from Bush administration personnel,
this course will cover the process of going from a treasury
surplus to deficit in the shortest possible time, while
still holding solid political support. Students will learn
how to talk about shared sacrifice
while continuing
to advance highway construction, subdivision development
and other important social goals.
PRINCIPLE ADJUSTMENT 249. In 1995, after the GOP gained control of the U.S. Senate, Colorado's Ben Nighthorse Campbell left the Democratic Party and became a Republican. He said it was because Democrats were not supporting the Balanced Budget Amendment. Now, eight years later, Campbell is a reliable supporter of a Republican administration that has eliminated federal budget surpluses and proposes $200 billion annual deficits.
Enrollment is limited, so early registration is advised
for students who want to learn from Prof. Campbell, who
taught last semester's popular class, How to claim to be
against government waste while still promoting the
Animas-La Plata Project.
CAMPAIGN VENTRILOQUISM 325. The instructor, Dick
Wadhams, will attempt to avoid moving his lips throughout
this course, but students will be able hear his insights
and wisdom as Sen. Wayne Allard, who hasn't practiced in
years, describes himself as just a small-town
veterinarian
and demonizes his opponent as a
millionaire lobbyist-lawyer who represents polluters.
Depending on their schedules, other Colorado Republicans
may stand in for Allard in mouthing whatever Wadhams
chooses to impart.
I know that I'd really enjoy taking some of these classes, because they would be truly educational and make me a more-informed citizen. I suspect many other Coloradans would also enroll. So, governor, we're ready for a Republican political-science faculty, and it's time for you to put up or shut up.
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