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There haven't been many pleasant by-products of the Bushite foreign policy. However, I must confess that I have enjoyed the recent bout of France-bashing, provoked by the French government's opposition to a U.S.-led invasion of Iraq. In this time of stifling political correctness, it is refreshing to have a whole country to kick around.
Plus, it is easy for many of us to boycott French
products. In our house, for instance, the most exotic
cheese in the refrigerator comes from Wisconsin, and the
wine in the pantry has a screw top and was aged in transit.
Our spewt has a French brand name, Chevrolet,
but we
call it a wholesome American name, the Rattletrap,
and I don't know that we ever refer to the French doors in
our house.
Even the U.S. House of Representatives has gotten into
the act. The cafeteria menu there has changed recently:
French fries
are now freedom fries,
and
French toast
has become freedom toast.
This sort of thing has happened before, although it usually involves enemies, rather than disagreeable allies. During World War I, all things German were suspect in America: Many states outlawed the teaching of that language in public schools, and the drug warriors of that era banned beer, since it was consumed by those awful Huns.
On menus across America, sauerkraut became liberty
cabbage
and the hamburger turned into a liberty
sandwich.
That makes the American language different from English. Our leaders try to remove certain words and connotations from the common vocabulary. But when the English were perturbed by some other country, they still referred to it -- in an opprobrious way.
For example, Great Britain and the Netherlands were
bitter naval rivals in the 17th century. Thus as early as
1608, the English referred to a prostitute as a Dutch
widow.
A Dutch door
is only half a door, a
Dutch treat
means that nobody treats, and Dutch
courage
comes out of a bottle. A Dutch uncle
is
anything but avuncular, and I can recall many occasions
during my formative years when I got into Dutch.
England and France were likewise rivals in days of yore,
and thus anyone who abandons his post without explanation
is taking French leave.
Moments after syphilis appeared in England in 1503, it
was christened the French pox.
(The disease,
possibly brought to the Old World from the New by
Christopher Columbus, was also known as the great
pox,
to distinguish it from smallpox.
)
A condom was called a French letter
(the French
retaliated by calling it a capote anglaise,
or
English cloak), and we all know about French
kissing.
Indeed, when you consider the Bushite support of abstinence, it seems possible that their current assault on French toast and French fries is just a start on banning all matters French from our thoughts.
One could also wonder whether this will be extended to other nations which might not vote the American way in the Security Council of the United Nations. There are five permanent members -- the U.S., Britain, China, Russia and France -- and 10 temporary members: Angola, Bulgaria, Cameroon, Chile, Germany, Guinea, Mexico, Pakistan, Spain and Syria.
Britain and Spain are in agreement with our majority
party's foreign policy, so the House cafeteria won't have
to rename Spanish rice
or English muffins.
We
can ignore most of the others -- I've never seen
Bulgarian beef,
Syrian salad
or Cameroon
cookies
on any menu, so it doesn't matter how they
vote.
But it will matter on some. What are we to call the
guinea pig
if Guinea fails to vote properly? (It may
not be on any menus on this continent, but my older
daughter ordered one at a restaurant in Peru, and said it
was tasty, but bony.)
We know how Germany plans to vote, so what will become
of one of my favorite dishes, hot German potato
salad?
Will the House follow tradition, and christen it
hot liberty potato salad,
or come up with something
more modern, like torrid tubers with vinegar
sauce
?
The worst of this, though, is what could happen if
Mexico votes the wrong way, which could happen even though
it is hard to imagine why Mexico would object to an
American invasion of a region rich in oil. What, then,
would we call the finest cuisine on our continent? Maybe
Baja Texas specialties
would pass muster with the
House, so that we won't be accused of un-American cravings
when ordering tamales.
The more I ponder this, though, the more I think that
the House should go back to calling them French
fries.
For one thing, how we order food ought not to be
a test of patriotism, and for another, French fries are
rich in fat and salt -- and thus those ungrateful French
(how dare they exercise the independence we gave them?) are
associated with something that isn't good for us.
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