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Since I've been about as confused as everyone else about recent developments concerning Iraq, I knew it was time to find my favorite inside source: Ananias Ziegler, a retired Air Force colonel who now serves as media relations director for the Committee That Really Runs America.
Often he's hard to reach, since as you might expect, the Committee uses an industrial-strength voice-mail-from-hell system, So I wasn't quite ready when he answered himself on the second ring, without even a secretary between us.
Quillen, the caller ID here tells me it's you,
calling from that little backwater town out there in
flyover country. What do you want to know?
I mumbled about being surprised that I had reached him so quickly and easily, and wondered if something was amiss at the Committee.
I guess I can tell you part of it,
he said.
We're moving to a new secure location, which means an
upgrade in our communications system. It will randomize the
voice-mail menus, so that instead of routinely dialing our
number and then punching 3 for Public Affairs, 7 for
Interior Regional Media, 2 for Calling Columnist, then the
first three letters of my last name -- well, those prompts
will come up in a different order every time. That way, by
the time you get through to my voice mail that I never
check, you'll know what you want to ask about, and you
won't be wasting my valuable time.
So the committee has moved its quarters on account of concerns that it might be attacked by terrorists if our country, along with whatever allies we still have, invades Iraq?
I might phrase it differently, but that's close
enough,
Ziegler said. If there are terrorist attacks
against domestic targets, then it will prove that Iraq had
ties to terrorist networks, no matter what the CIA or those
impudent congressional committees have said. And if there
are no attacks, then it just shows you what a good job of
prevention the Committee has been doing.
That's a good job of pre-emptive spin, and I complimented him.
It's our job to be ready,
he said.
I asked about the difficulty America has encountered in finding allies for this war, as well as the divided public opinion at home.
We were surprised, too, especially by Turkey. After
all, you can expect the French to be contrary. As for the
Germans, some people might take them seriously, since they
are the authority on starting world wars.
But here we are, bent on bringing democracy to the
Middle East, and here's a democratic nation that won't let
us use it as a staging area. And we tried hard, in the best
democratic tradition, to get them to go along by offering
them about $40 billion.
If he'd just sent me a million of that, I might be a lot more enthusiastic about this project.
Ziegler laughed. I've heard that from several people
-- that bribery, like charity, should begin at home. But if
it develops that we need to buy an election or two over
there, or send our Supreme Court over to monitor the
ballot-counting to be sure that it's fair to the right
party -- we're ready to do what's necessary.
I asked him about how the Committee would respond to various courses of battle in Iraq.
Remember, we're the Committee That Really Runs
America, not the Committee That Really Runs Iraq,
he
cautioned. Although that could change.
He chuckled, then continued. If the troops roll into
Baghdad easily and are welcomed as liberators, it will show
that the Iraqi people really hated Saddam Hussein, and this
was the right course. And if it's a series of hard battles
with many casualties, it will show that Iraq is a major
military threat, and thus had to be dealt with, and this
was the right course.
Again, I was impressed by his pre-emptive spin on possible foreign developments. But what about domestic attitudes?
It's not a real worry. Once the bombing and shooting
start,
he said, All Americans will rally behind
their commander-in-chief.
But he isn't really the commander-in-chief of all
Americans, I pointed out. Most of us are civilians, and
Article 2, Section 2 of the Constitution says that the
President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and
Navy of the United States, and of the militia of the
several States, when called into the actual Service of the
United States.
Ziegler cautioned me before hanging up. Don't be
quoting from that Constitution thing these days, especially
in public. You never know what will reach the desk of John
Ashcroft, and you could end up in some trouble that even I
couldn't get you out of.
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