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Now that most of the shooting has stopped in Iraq, I figured that my favorite inside source would have time to explain what could happen next. So I punched in the restricted access codes and finally reached a non-descript strip mall in northern Virginia, where the back rooms served as office space for Ananias Ziegler, media relations director for the Committee That Really Runs America.
He was in a good mood. Did you call to apologize?
he asked.
Apologize for what? I replied.
If you want to get back into good standing, you need
to admit that we were right and you were wrong about the
war in Iraq,
he explained. Just as we predicted, it
went quickly, collateral damage was minimal, we suffered
few casualties, and Saddam Hussein is no longer a threat to
world oil supplies.
While I really wanted to restore my congenial relationship with Ziegler and the Committee, I wasn't ready to go that far. For instance, one reason given for the war was to stop Iraq's development of weapons of mass destruction, and yet no production facilities have been found.
Iraq's a big place,
Ziegler said, about the
size of California. It's going to take a while to search
the whole country. Why are you so impatient?
Then why was the Committee so impatient with the international weapons inspectors before the war? I wondered.
They weren't finding anything, even though we knew
that the weapons had to be there,
he said. So we had
to take the next step, or we would lose the respect of the
world.
Substantial parts of the world seemed to be rather disrespectful anyway, I pointed out, since France, Russia and Germany, among others, were opposed to American military action in Iraq.
You have to admit we worked that angle pretty
well,
Ziegler chucked. We ignored the Germans and
Russians, on the theory that Americans take these countries
seriously after two World Wars and the Cold War. We had
agents planted around the U.S., and we instructed them to
mobilize American public opinion against the
French.
A few jokes are one thing, I observed, but the Francophobia did seem to have gone too far.
No, it was just about right,
Ziegler corrected.
Our surveys now show that Americans hate France, our
oldest ally, more than they despise Iraq, whom we were at
war with.
And that's good? I marveled. Of course it is,
Ziegler said. If we had stoked up a righteous hatred of
Iraq, what good would it be now? Face it, a propaganda
campaign against Iraq has a short shelf life, since we
conquered Baghdad less than a month after the shooting
started.
But France, well, it's still in play, and we can keep
it there for a long time, certainly through the 2004
elections when we can vilify any opposition candidate who
has ever been to Paris.
This was hard to follow, so I asked for details.
Look, Quillen, if we want to invade Iran and France
objects, as it certainly will, we can question the
patriotism of anyone who drinks Champagne or forgets to
specify 'freedom fries' by the proper name. Or if we want
to go to Syria, same deal. By whipping up a permanent
anti-French public sentiment, we can use it all the time.
That saves us the bother of agitating the public about
Saddam Hussein one week, Bashar al-Assad the next week,
Sayyed Ali Khamenei a month later.
Now I was catching on, so I interrupted with a new question, concerning connections between Iraq and al-Qaida.
Haven't you been watching the news? We have found
camps that could have been used to train terrorists, and
isn't that enough evidence for you?
It really wasn't, but I could tell that this wasn't going anywhere. I moved on with the observation that myriads of Iraqis had celebrated the fall of Saddam Hussein and the Baathist regime, which was welcome news. But it was troubling that so many Shiites appeared to be opposed to our presence.
Again, you're being impatient,
Ziegler cautioned.
We're still organizing the Committee That Really Runs
Iraq, and even after we get it in place, it's going to take
a few months.
And after that, millions of Shiite Iraqis will be marching in the street to demonstrate their gratitude and their support for America?
Ziegler laughed. Not exactly. If we do our job
properly, we'll have them out in the streets, demonstrating
their hatred of the French. After all, if it worked here,
it should work there, and at the Committee, we have to
stick with what we're good at.
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