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The receptionist seemed hesitant when she answered my call. This was odd, since I often contact my favorite inside source, Ananias Ziegler, media relations director for the Committee That Really Runs America. She knew my voice, as well as where I was calling from, the current balance on all my accounts, and what I had bought at the grocery store yesterday.
I'm sorry, Mr. Quillen,
she apologized. Mr.
Ziegler has just stepped away from his desk, and will be
with you shortly.
While Mr. Ziegler was in the restroom, I asked her about the hesitation when she answered the phone.
They're thinking about changing the Committee's
name,
she explained. We've been practicing with the
new one in training sessions, although we're supposed to
use the current name until the change is official. So it
took me a second or two to remember which name to
use.
And what would be the new name?
I guess it's okay to tell you. They're thinking about
going to the 'Committee That Really Runs America, Iraq,
Canada and Any Place Else That Doesn't Toe the Party
Line.
'
Before I could ask more, Ziegler came on. Iraq I could understand, but Canada?
They've been getting frisky up north, and we have to
protect our Traditional American Values.
Just how were those threatened by Canada? For a
pundit, you sure don't keep up with the news, Quillen,
he chided. We can start with some proposal up there
which might legalize gay marriage later this year in the
whole country. They're already issuing licenses in Ontario,
and British Columbia could be next.
And so what if Canada has a different definition of
marriage than our states do? It brought to mind Thomas
Jefferson's observation that It does me no injury for my
neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God. It
neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
Ziegler said I should care, though. We're looking at
our treaties with that evil neighbor of ours -- they have
socialized medicine -- to see if we're obliged to honor
their civil actions. Can you imagine what would happen if
married Canadian homosexual couples began invading the
United States? Would you want a gay couple in your
neighborhood?
Actually, we once lived across the street from a gay couple. The main problem was that they took such good care of their yard that ours looked rather shabby, and that produced social pressure on me to spend time unproductively on mowing, edging, trimming, fertilizing and the like. So I agreed that he had a point.
That's not what I meant, Quillen, and you know that.
The point is, we can't led the Canadians manage their own
country if they're not going to do it properly. Besides,
there's the marijuana issue.
I had heard that Canada might be wimping out on the all-important War on Plants, but I hadn't heard the Committee spin.
First they decriminalized possession of small
amounts,
he said. And now the government is
providing medical marijuana to doctors who prescribe it.
What kind of message does that send to impressionable
American youth? They could turn into slackers who don't
make enough money to care about our tax cuts, and they
could end up voting the wrong way in such numbers that even
the U.S. Supreme Court couldn't adjust the outcome.
Besides, how can we be allied with a government, or even
maintain a peaceful relationship. when it cares so little
about such important matters?
So what was likely to happen? Would there be a carefully orchestrated campaign against Canada, like what happened when France led opposition to the invasion of Iraq?
The manager of a bar near the Capitol will announce
next week that he's no longer serving Canadian whiskey, and
Molton's ale will be removed from the cooler. Then you'll
see new houses with certificates that they are 100 percent
free of Canadian wood. We'll go after you jackals in the
press who print some of your historical revisionism on
paper that came from Canada. Plus, don't forget that we
have some military options, along with economic sanctions,
lengthened customs inspections and procedures -- but we
hope we don't have to deploy those.
All this is coming just because Canada does things differently than we do? What ever happened to diversity?
There's no such thing any more, Quillen. As we all
know, George W. Bush is the Leader of the Free World. What
ever gave these other countries the idea that they had any
right to manage their own affairs?
Before I could ask more, Ziegler said he had a call from Karl Rove, and even if he enjoyed talking to me, he had his priorities at the Committee.
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