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About once a year, I get a notice from a national
columnist's association. In order to maintain my
membership, which entitles me to free access to the vital
Topics for Slow News Days
website, I have to write
an advice column. So I went through the stack of pending
correspondence here, and came up with some advice:
Dear Ed:
Like you, I enjoy taking my dog with me when I walk around town, tending to my errands. But sometimes it's hard to hook Fido's leash -- there's no convenient place for the loop on my end of the leash. What can I do to park Fido while I'm in the post office or bank?
Canistrian in Gunnison
Dear Canistrian:
Take advantage of my invention: the double-ended leash.
It's easy to make one. Just go to the hardware store and
get a dog leash clip,
and attach it to your end of
the leash (a normal leash, not one that's built like a
fishing reel). Then you can clip it to bike racks and
chain-link fences, or wrap it around lampposts.
For the happiness of all concerned, be sure Fido is temperamentally suited for this. Don't do this for more than a few minutes, and if you live in Durango, don't do it at all.
Dear Ed:
Last January I said something that perhaps I shouldn't have. Now my enemies are trying to rewrite history and I want to put this behind me. What can I do?
George in Washington
Dear George:
You're doing all you can. You've blamed Tony in London, you've got Connie and Don coming to your defense, and hey, this is just about going to war, not anything important like your relationship with an intern. Your best course, though, is to invade Liberia, so as to push this controversy out of the news.
Dear Ed:
I'm about to get strangled by all the cables around my computer -- mouse, keyboard, printer, modem, power, SCSI, audio, monitor, USB, etc. I looked into wireless devices, but it's hard enough to trace problems when I have solid physical cables to check, so I'm afraid wireless would just make things worse. Can you help?
Snarled in Sedalia
Dear Snarled:
It is a law of nature that the cables will always twist and knot, and there's nothing we can do about that. However, I've found a low-tech way to keep my cables in place, more or less. I put eye-screws into the wall, then hang shower-curtain hooks from them. The cables go through the hooks, which are easy to open and close. They're also big enough to handle a lot of wires.
Dear Ed:
I'm the chief executive officer of the entire state government, and I make only $90,000 a year. There are people who make a lot more than that who just work for a city. How is this right?
Bill in Aurora and Denver
Dear Bill:
Think of your job as being like a teacher's. You may not get paid all that much, but just as teachers have the summer off, you have time to establish think tanks, collect handsome honorariums for speeches, and hob-nob with your party's leaders to advance your national reputation.
Those other folks, the ones that get paid more, they get stuck having to make sure that the streets get plowed and that the garbage gets picked up. Trust me, you really wouldn't want to trade jobs with them.
Dear Ed:
Almost every time I check my e-mail, I get offers for products that are guaranteed to enlarge my penis by several inches. Are these legitimate products?
Shorty in Littleton
Dear Shorty:
I don't know whether these products work or not.
However, I suggest you do what most American men in your
situation do -- buy a Ford F-350 pickup, a Dodge Crew-Cab
Diesel Duelly, or any truck advertised as professional
grade.
You'll feel so much better that you won't even
notice that most people will know why you drive your big
rig.
There. I've done my duty, and now I need some advice: What can we do about this heat wave? Escaping to the mountains doesn't help; I'm already in the mountains, and we've got daily highs in the 90s. Fans and high ceilings usually get us through the July hot spell, but not this year's extended heat. And don't tell me to blame Global Warming -- my Republican neighbors have assured me that there's no such thing.
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