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Like some Coloradans, I had been sampling the delights of late summer in the Rockies, spending a lot of time outdoors. This year has been better than most, since the mountains aren't as crowded, likely because more people have been staying indoors on account of the West Nile virus.
I figure that you run a risk any time you go outdoors in Colorado -- lightning, avalanche, plague, tick fever, mountain lions, giardia, hunters, cyanide, to name a few -- so why worry about one more lethal threat?
But a couple of rainy days pushed me back inside to the
real world,
where I realized I'd fallen out of touch
with current events because I was spending all that time
looking at rocks, flowers and trees -- must be some sort of
desperate unconscious urge to enjoy them before the Bush
Administration carries through on its plans for our public
lands.
At any rate, I needed to catch up, and the easiest way to do that was to call my favorite inside source: Ananias Ziegler, media relations director for the Committee That Really Runs America.
Ziegler was in a good mood. How are things out there
in the big empty middle of one of those big square
states?
he asked.
Not bad for a Bush administration, I said. Quite a few storefronts are still open, and at least 75 percent of the houses in town aren't listed for sale. Some people are getting by on only two part-time jobs.
But I was concerned about the recent announcement from Gov. Owens's office.
What are you talking about?
Ziegler asked.
Isn't he still America's Best Governor in all the
right-thinking circles?
I didn't know whether he still held that status, but I did know that he and his wife were separating. That might hurt his political career, since he's always been popular with the Family Values crowd.
No need to worry there, Quillen,
Ziegler said.
There's something you obviously don't understand about
the political use of Family Values.
And that would be?
Family Values are for other people. That is, it was
perfectly proper for Newt Gingrich, no matter how many
times he had extra-marital affairs, to attack Bill Clinton.
If you work with the Committee, your own Family Values are
not a factor -- what matters is how well you can nail the
other guy for not practicing and promoting Traditional
Family Values.
This had me confused, so Ziegler continued. Look at
your state's simple, common-sense Pledge of Allegiance law
for schools, currently in abeyance on account of some
liberal federal judge who has the mistaken notion that the
government doesn't have the right to tell people what to
say.
What about it?
Do you really think the promoters of that law care
about 'liberty and justice for all'? If you think so, why
not call them the next time a teacher gets criticized for
being gay or enjoying French cuisine on his own time.
Right-thinking politics are the issue here, not liberty and
justice. If you want to be free, then you've got to be
right.
Now I understood, so I switched topics. I wanted to know how the Committee was handling the gubernatorial recall election in California, especially since Arnold Schwarzenegger's old interview with Oui magazine had emerged, wherein he talked about how much he enjoyed illegal drugs and group sex.
That does have us worried,
Ziegler conceded,
because Arnold is pretty much ignoring it so that he can
talk about state fiscal policies and other boring stuff.
We're going to have a much harder time controlling
elections if the campaign issues turn away from values. We
told Arnold that he was free to use President Bush's line
that 'When I was young and foolish, I was young and
foolish,' but the big lunk hasn't been taking our
advice.
I moved to the international forum. For nearly two years, the United States has been devoting considerable resources to the capture of Osama bin Laden, and for several months, similar efforts have been aimed toward Saddam Hussein, yet both are still at large. Was this just bad luck, or is there a reason?
Of course there's a reason,
Ziegler explained.
It's not in anybody's interest for them to be
captured.
What?
Think, Quillen. They certainly don't want to be
captured. As for our side, as long as Osama and Saddam are
on the loose, then our people can stay in power by
protecting you from them. We couldn't do that if they were
locked up somewhere. So it's not in the Committee's
interest to have them captured, at least not before the
2004 election.
That made perfect sense, so it was time to hang up and go face the mosquitoes.
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