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During this slow news time, many pundits occupy
themselves by predicting what will occur in the coming
year. From my experience, the safest prognostication is a
Russian proverb that goes like this: 2004 will be an
average year; worse than 2003, but better than
2005.
However, there are always people who insist on more precision from a necromancer, which leads to the danger of being completely wrong and thereby gaining national syndication with a nightly slot on Fox News and a six-digit income that I'd just fritter away on paying bills.
So to make these predictions more accurate, I am
changing the formula to present a list of Things that
are NOT going to happen in 2004.
· Microsoft will NOT release a consumer computer operating system that is secure and reliable. And the company will NOT lose its 95 percent share of the desktop market, thereby demonstrating that sheep are NOT as easy to herd as humans.
· State Sen. John Andrews, a Republican from Centennial, will NOT succumb to an attack of political consistency. As it is, he is upset that unelected judges designed and upheld a congressional redistricting plan, even though he rammed a last-minute gerrymander through the legislature. But if he really believed that decisions should be made by elected officials, he would support a bill to elect water conservancy district board members, instead of having them appointed by judges. And its safe to predict that he will NOT do that -- after all, he's a fervent supporter of a President who was installed by unelected judges in 2000.
· Even though a federal law has been enacted, we will NOT stop receiving spam, especially spam that offers to sell us spam-removal programs, or that promises a CD with 150 million valid email addresses that we could spam.
· President George Bush the Younger will NOT launch an invasion of Canada, despite the mounting number of provocations from that nation, most recently the alleged export of a Mad Cow. First there was the single-payer health-care system there, setting a bad example for Americans (Canadians live longer than we do on average, but spend only 9.3 percent of their nation's gross domestic product on health care, while we spend 12.9 percent). Then there's the almost-legalization of marijuana, and the steps toward gay marriage -- all threats to the American Way as defined by Bushites.
· Weapons of Mass Destruction will NOT be found in Iraq, and members of this administration will NOT proclaim that the announced reasons for the invasion were specious.
· Americans will NOT become vegetarians despite
the risks of Mad Cow, trichinosis, salmonella,
arteriosclerosis and other maladies of flesh. After all,
there were people who got hepatitis from green onions last
year. An administration official will NOT say that Those
lazy and indigent people who can't afford to hire their own
food tasters really shouldn't be eating.
· In the 2004 campaigns to the U.S. House of Representatives, 99 percent of the incumbents seeking re-election will NOT be defeated.
· People who question the accuracy and security of new computerized voting systems will NOT be listened to, since they generally do NOT make campaign contributions, and the manufacturers of this machinery do make contributions.
· Attacks on Coalition forces in Iraq will NOT cease, despite the capture of Saddam Hussein in 2003. Most Americans do NOT sleep better after the capture, but they will NOT admit this in public.
· Agents of the Department of Homeland Security will NOT search American households for almanacs, despite the alleged connection announced last week between potential terrorists and reference books which list things like dams, bridges and tall buildings. And because of the government's interest, Americans of Middle Eastern descent will NOT be buying reference books even though they want their children to do well in school.
· Gov. Bill Owens will NOT be the Republican nominee for vice-president.
· Construction on the Animas-La Plata Project
near Durango will NOT be halted, even though there are
significant cost over-runs and our state and nation are run
by people who claim to be fiscal conservatives.
· Colorado will NOT become a better place to live in 2004, unless you're a real-estate developer or highway contractor.
Granted, this list is rather depressing. But given all the things that could happen in 2004, don't you feel just a little bit better now, knowing what will NOT happen?
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