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Most people don't know this, but the National Western Stock Show is also a convention of various species of livestock. During visiting hours, the cattle, sheep and swine just stand around looking pretty, but in the wee hours of the morning, they assemble to discuss current issues and how they might best respond.
Few people have been privileged to observe these deliberations, but over the years, I've made some good connections -- among them, a grumpy old Hereford range bull who smuggled me into the American Bovine Congress in a small building off Bryant Street on Sunday night.
About two dozen cattle, representing all the well-known
breeds and a few that aren't, were present when the
chairsteer, a Texas Longhorn whose moo had a twangy drawl,
called the meeting to order and explained the agenda:
First, we have to determine whether there is an outbreak
of Mad Human Disease in the United States. Then, if there
is, we must decide how to respond to it. So, if anyone has
any evidence one way or another, take the floor.
All was silent, except for munching sounds. Longhorn
spoke up again. Look, I know we're all cattle, bred to
be led around and to be part of the herd. That's our
nature. But somebody here must have something to
say.
With that, a Plummer Bucking Bull spoke up. This
meeting is a waste of time. There is no outbreak of Mad
Human Disease, because I haven't seen any change in their
behavior. They still haul me around all over the country,
then try to ride me. I work about eight seconds a week and
have a pretty good life. But I wouldn't mind a little more
stud work, if you catch my drift.
Easy for you to say,
a Beefmaster steer
countered. You haven't been mutilated, murdered, or cut
up and packaged by mad humans. But don't you think that
your job alone is evidence of Mad Human Disease?
The Bucking Bull mulled for a moment. I'd have to
agree that bull-riding is certainly no sign of sanity. But
it's not new. Humans have been trying to ride bulls for as
long as I can remember.
That didn't satisfy the Beefmaster. But what about
PETA? Those crazy humans want to take away that good life
of yours. They say you're being abused and
tortured.
The Bucking Bull admitted that it was one of his great pleasures to break a human leg or neck every so often, so he couldn't see how that was abuse. Thus he agreed that PETA could be a symptom of Mad Human Disease.
A statuesque Jersey Cow took the floor. I think
you're being too hard on PETA. From what I've heard,
they're just trying to save us all from the Great Charnel
House, that mysterious place where we go after our milk
production drops.
The Brahman Heifer snorted before she spoke. Our
family tradition, passed down from the Sacred Ones in
India, says there is no Great Charnel House, that it is
only a heathen myth.
You probably think the Golden Arches are just a
myth,
countered the American Beefmaster, but before he
could continue, the chairsteer interrupted.
We're getting way off the topic,
the Longhorn
said. Remember, we're trying to determine whether there
is an outbreak of Mad Human Disease. And so far, all we've
come up with is a possibility that PETA might be a symptom.
That's not much.
A young Angus, who had been placidly chewing her cud,
raised a manicured hoof and got recognized. I'm sure
there's a major outbreak,
she said. Just look at how
the humans behave. They're always maiming and killing each
other for no good reason. And they're so greedy that they
don't spend any time with their calves. They think we're
stupid for just standing around, but at least we're not
working day and night to make money -- you can't eat money,
no matter how many stomachs you have.
The old range bull spoke up. I'm sure you mean well,
young lady, but I've been around the auction block a few
times, and I have to tell you that what you've seen is not
some disease-caused aberration. It's their normal behavior.
That's what they're like all the time.
No one could add anything to that, and so the 2004 American Bovine Congress adjourned, satisfied that there was no epidemic -- humans had always been mad.
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