< PREVIOUS ] [ 2004 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >
The script for the Republican National Convention this week looks about as exciting as watching nails rust, and that's not good for the GOP or for us in the Biased Liberal Media. An interesting story requires conflict, and if there isn't any conflict in the convention halls as speaker after speaker extols the divine wisdom and superlative character of the Bush-Cheney regime, then the reporters will be tempted to wander outside and pay attention to the demonstrators.
Then there will be complaints about how the treasonous infidel anti-Bush side got more attention than the steadfast God-fearing patriots inside the hall, even though the GOP could easily prevent this with a good floor fight over the platform, a fiery challenge to some delegation's credentials, or an exciting last-minute effort to dump Dick Cheney because he isn't following the party line on an anti-gay-marriage amendment to the federal constitution.
In the hope that there might be something that will keep us awake during the convention, I called my favorite inside source, Ananias Ziegler, media relations director at the Committee That Really Runs America.
After the usual pleasantries, he bragged on the speaker
line-up. There's a great deal of diversity within the
Republican Party,
he explained, and this will
demonstrate it. Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giulliani and
California Gov. Arnold Schwartzenegger are going to
speak.
Why is that so special? I asked. After all, they're prominent Republicans and this is a Republican convention.
Because they support abortion rights and gay
rights,
Ziegler replied. This is an effort to reach
out to the mainstream of America.
How will that affect campaigning after the convention, I wondered aloud.
Then we'll attack anyone with those elitist views as
being out of the mainstream and out of touch with
traditional American values,
Ziegler explained.
After all, we have to maintain our fundamentalist base,
and they want constitutional amendments banning abortion
and gay marriage.
So it's permissible to hold those liberal views at the convention, but improper to do so afterward?
This helps demonstrate that the GOP stands for the
unchanging values which make our country admired throughout
the world.
His tone indicated that he would accept no
more questions along that line, so I changed the topic and
asked how the Republican base would be energized this
fall.
The main part of the plan,
Ziegler said, is to
have everyone carry a Bible during the campaign. The Bible
is going to be our new brand. When you see a Bible, you'll
think Bush.
While I could see some promise in that tactic, I also thought there could be problems. How, I asked, could one reconcile the Bush Doctrine of Preemptive Attack with what Jesus said about turning the other cheek?
Ziegler had an answer. We're putting the word out
that Luke 6:29 was mistranslated by secular humanists, and
it really says 'And unto him that thou thinkest might smite
thine own cheek someday, use thine sword which thou hast
beaten from a plowshare to sever his neck.
'
I pointed out that there were other potential political
problems in the Gospels. Lay not up for yourselves
treasures upon earth
-- wouldn't that discourage
capital investment? When thou prayest, enter into thy
closet
-- how does that square with promoting classroom
prayer?
There was also Matthew 19:24, It is easier for a
camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich
man to enter the kingdom of God,
as well as a nearby
verse, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell all that
thou hast, and give to the poor.
The Bible doesn't fit
very well with the platform, I cautioned.
But Ziegler warned me. If I were you, I'd be very
careful about quoting scripture this fall, even though the
Committee is working diligently to get Bible believers to
register and vote the right way.
Why would citing the Bible lead to trouble? I asked.
Because the more you quote from the Bible, the more
we'll attack you and your kind for being godless heretics
who cast doubt upon the Bush Doctrines.
On that cheerful note, he hung up, and I figured I'd have to put my Bible away if I wanted to be a good American this fall.
< PREVIOUS ] [ 2004 Index ] [ Ed Quillen HOME ] [ SEARCH ] [ NEXT >